Ways to make your makeup last longer
I really don’t like applying makeup in the morning, I get very bored with the whole routine and end up shouting at my face to ‘just be god damn prettier so I don’t have to put on all this shit.’ I will rarely reapply it either unless I have an important meeting where I have to look like I’m not a twelve year old girl and/or if there’s a hot girl around who looks slightly like Natalie Portman. So basically I need my makeup to stay on during the day. And I’ve found that the stuff I do does actually help a bit.
Primer Primer Primer
I never used to use primer. I thought it was just one more thing to put on my face that didn’t cover my dark circles or spots and was a waste of time, but face primer actually really makes your makeup stay on. By lunch time, my foundation used to leave my face like it had better things to do. Some primers are a little costly but I use Smash Box Photo Finish and it works just fine. And you hardly need any of it, only a little sweep across your skin and because you’re using it so sparingly, it keeps for a long time. Just like I do with margarine when it’s the day before pay day and I’ve run out of food.
For my eyes I use Bare Minerals Prime Time and it stops any eye shadow creasing or going stringy and liney like some sort of beige railway track. And if you’re wearing a colourful shade, it can make it look a lot brighter so purple actually looks like purple and not like a bruise from being punched in the eye.
With foundation I just used to slap it on any old how so I could cover my hangover as soon as possible. I invested in a foundation brush, and when I say invested, I do mean invested because it cost about as much as the electric bill for three months or a weekly supply of tequila. But this does work. I got impatient as first because it took more time and there was cheerios to be eaten before leaving the house but once you start building it on your face rather than just chucking it on like a Dad putting cellotape on a Christmas present, it really does stay on a lot longer.
I always thought powder would give me a really chalky look and make me look even more like a vampire. But a good one can set your foundation making it last. The lighter the version is, the better, Maybelline’s Dream Matte Powder lasts ages and doesn’t feel grainy at all. I once used one that felt like I’d dipped my face in jam and fallen head first into a sandpit.
The most annoying thing for me was my eyes watering when I yawned or how I’d keep rubbing my eyes and then curse because I’d ruined my mascara yet again. I switched to a waterproof one and this has stopped happening. And now I’m also prepared for anything. When I’m secretly watching Grey’s Anatomy at my desk and Shonda Rymes decides to kill of someone awesome and pretty again, my eyes don’t give anything away.
Stop Blot Top
Lips have always been the worst part and I love lipstick. But it would come off on the cup I was sipping from, the cheese sandwich I was biting, the envelopes I was licking, or coworker I was kissing. Only joking. I never wore lipstick if I knew I would be kissing her.
I now have my Stop Blot Top rule. It sounds like a sexual position I know but it does work. That is stop applying so much. I used to put so much on it was any wonder I had any lipstick left by the end of it. Blot the excess lipstick with tissue paper or a coworker’s mouth, and then top it with a lip balm or a lipgloss and this locks the colour in a lot more.
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Signs you’re NOT ready for a relationship
We all sometimes look a chick flicks and think, God, I want that. I want to be a prostitute and have someone make me into a pretty woman. I want to write a diary and have two people fighting over me one especially one called Darcy. And oh God I want to have four weddings and then a funeral and then get with the love of my life. But sometimes, we are just not ready for a relationship in any way and even our cat is trying to tell us that.
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How to do Girly Shit – Have a bath
Because it’s winter we all need to relax.The purpose of having a bath is to do this but sometimes our days just get too over run with chores and unicorns. Having a bath is more tricky then you think as relaxing is not that easy to achieve and you need a lot of stuff surrounding you to be able to do it. I would suggest getting very drunk on tequila.Or just pour the tequila in the bath and let osmosis happen naturally.
Pink Drinks that I’m currently loving
It’s winter and it’s cold and that means we drink to warm up. Obviously in the day time we go for the starbucks range of everything cinnamon that comes in pretty cups with snowflakes on and you have to Instagram it before you drink it. But at night time you want to put you alcohol coat on so that you can go out in sparkly dress and not shiver so much that you look like a sequinned vibrator.
This one is pink and Christmassy.
A cranberry cocktail is perfect because it’s like cranberry sauce that you wash down your dry work party turkey with only better. Because it’s full of alcohol to make you cope with your co-workers. Blend together some cranberries, syrup, a glass of red wine, some lemon zest and some sugar or vanilla extract in a blender. The add ice so you can chew it and not make comments about your boss’s Reindeer’s sexual positions tie. And throw a load of cranberries on to the top of the glass and you’ve basically got a Christmas fruit salad.
This one is pink and sugary
A Rasberry cocktail is liking drinking a pudding and it’s delightful. And it also makes you forget you’re drinking so you suddenly have no idea why you can’t walk in your new shoes or why you find the girl with the neck tattoo attractive. Mix some blue raspberry vodka with lemonade and raspberry juice and chuck a load of lemon zest and sherbet over the top. Maybe a bit of meringue too if you don’t mind throwing up in your handbag later. It’s the most delicious sparkly drink that I drink and it tastes like rainbows and happiness.
This one is pink and posh
Champagne to me is posh and always will be. If you’re out sipping champagne with your little finger in the air and not downing jaiger bombs like the rest of us I will be impressed. To make it taste even better and to make it pink, mash strawberries, mint and a small bit of amaretto and mix it all together. And to make it even better freeze it slightly and you have yourself a slushy like in the olden days but one that doesn’t taste of sugar and e numbers. Splendid.
This one is pink and Summery
I’m a big fan of opposites, so drinking summery drinks in the winter because it makes me feel like I’m celebrating a bank holiday. And I like gin in the summer because it reminds me of BBQs. Mix gin with cream, egg white, grenadine syrup and pomegranate juice and it tastes like an alcoholic summery yoghurt . A good one will make you imagine that you’re lying on a beach somewhere, in the shade if you’re ginger, and sipping on this and feeling your worries drift away in the stunning ocean. And when you open your eyes to find you’re in Hackney and it’s raining, just have another one.
This one is pink and has tequila in it so it wins.
Ah yes, my best friend tequila who I love in the night time, and hate in the mornings. Kind of like a one night stand who I can’t stop going back to who gives me great pleasure in the night and then tries to stay in the morning and eats the last of my cheerios.
For this cocktail mix two shots of tequila with pink grapefruit juice and some lime squash and sugar. You can squeeze the entire two fruits or you could go to Asda and get there’s for a pound and spend that extra hour plucking your eyebrows to perfection. They’re very strong so top up your glass with soda water if you plan to go out and not be passed out on your bathroom floor at 7pm.
Do you have any favourite cocktails? Extra candy cane points if they’re pink. Four for you Glen Coco.
More Pink Things for a more Day Time Look
This time, a pink thing for your lips. Normally, I’m much more of a fan of red lipstick but it clashes madly with my hair and I like to be different. But sometimes, when you’re going to work to hide in the stationary cupboard, compared to the blandness of your office, you can end up looking a bit like a street walker who’s got lost. The pink is not too bright but also not too bland that you can’t tell if I have some on it or not. And because it’s the amazing Dainty Doll range, it works with pale skin and doesn’t look weird with your freckles. And your lips look full and nourished like you’ve been treating them right with all the lovely treats.
I love Dainty Doll stuff and have quite a collection now all stuffed into the bathroom cabinet so you get attacked by concealers and primers every time you open it. And it’s not as expensive as you would think coming from a celebrity in a band and everything and it really makes me feel more confident and like I’m allowed to wear makeup being a ghost and all. It goes on really easily and moisturizes you lips a little too so you don’t get the whole flaky lips thing that looks like you’ve been making out with a towel. It does smudge off easily though so if you’re planning on drinking tequila or kissing your girlfriend or cat, maybe take it off first.
Get the lipstick and loads of other pale skin amazingness Here.
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Yes this is actually happening like a proper business and everything and I am excited.
Lookit. Femme Face and Freedom World LTD have joined up to do things and have created a range of greeting cards and Posters. I apologize for the video trying to sell them, I got a tad too exited and it was 4am and I was wired like a council flat window. So this is the new venture for us with the amazing company Freedom World that I like a lot for three main reason: 1. The site is amaze tits and offers a whole range of home stuff, gay stuff and any other pretty stuff you could desire. 2. The girl who runs it is hilarious and it’s nice not working for a business control freak who doesn’t understand the relevance of unicorns and 3. It begins with F and that makes life just a whole lot easier and saves me scrolling through thingsbeginningwithF .com and cursing that I chose such a stupid letter.
So they come in these ranges and they come all pretty in three different colours so you can choose ones to match your walls in your house or match your makeup or match the person you fancy’s underwear because we all like a bit of coordination sometimes. Come in these designs -
MAY contain nudity? Either it does or it doesn’t, don’t waste my time.
I can’t be held responsible for what I do when I’m sober.
Water is good for you. Especially when it’s frozen and surrounded by vodka.
I like to walk by a girl in slow motion so she thinks I’m the one.
People who say you can’t buy happiness just don’t know where the off licence is.
“Who else would put up with me,” is apparently not a good compliment to give your girlfriend.
I always try and learn from my mistakes of other people. Who have taken my advice.
I know it’s going to be a shitty day when I wake up with no texts from my imaginary girlfriends.
I think my girlfriend’s hallucinating. She keeps telling me she’s seeing other people.
Look in mirror. Think I look good. Think outfit looks good. Meet friend. Sees her looks. Sees her outfit. Hates life.
I have a better idea. Tell your boobs to stop staring at me, it’s very distracting.
Why are there adverts for toilet roll? Who the fuck doesn’t buy toilet roll?
The Toy you should get your girlfriend for Christmas. Actually just get it for yourself.
*If you don’t own this toy, it should be on the top of your wishlist because it is just amazing. And this is why you should buy it for Christmas. And then use it on Christmas day. And you will be like yes wow.
It is the perfect shape. It’s like someone went through the effort of taking a mould of the inside of the most perfect women’s vagina. And then made it vibrate. Lots. It curves the right way so there’s none of that uncomfortable feeling you sometimes get when you’re trying to put a square peg in a very unround and complicated shaped hole. The base is also brilliant as if you’re fucking someone with it, you don’t lose grip and you’re in full control. None of that awkwardness where the toy slips from your hand and lands on the floor and you don’t know if the five second rule applies here.
It doesn’t look like a penis. I like when they’re pink or purple or turquoise and they match my bedroom and don’t actually look like a penis that has veins in it because, just as very personal preference, those toys make me want to throw up my internal organs. And it’s pretty and matches my room. Obviously very important for something that’s going inside you.
It doesn’t require batteries, it’s rechargeable. So as soon as you have it in your possession, you can go to town. And spin it round. And turn that frown upside down. This just makes for a safer world too. Too many times have I taken the batteries out of the smoke detector for such occasions.
There is like a thousand different vibrator settings. Ok there’s eight. But they range from a quiet low buzz to inside-a-tumble-dryer level and you can really mix it up with ones that buzz intermittently and ones that are all over the show and your clit has no idea what it going on. With the levels it’s like being on Super Mario where at the start it’s cool and you’re just chilling with the mushrooms and it’s nice and then you turn it up and soon you’ve defeated Bowser and you’re having multiple orgasms with the princess.
It glows in the fucking dark. If you’re feeling a little shy and need the lights to be off, you can still see what you’re doing. This can be a big mistake with in-the-dark sex. You can switch it off by mistake at the wrong time, or you could put it in the wrong place. But this gives you just enough light so you can see what you’re doing and can see when and how to change the settings up a bit. It’s like the star that lead the shepherds to Jesus. Only instead it’s leading you to screaming out Jesus’s name.
And yes, if you’re looking for the perfect Christmas gift that’s a bit dirty and a bit different and will definitely not be opened in front of any family members, I would recommend this.
Desire Vibrator: Exclusive to Sh! - http://www.sh-womenstore.com/Sex+Toys/Vibrators/Clitoral+Vibrators/Desire-Vibrator.html
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Five Ways to be Happy
Or a bit happier at least. There are some things that we all do to ourselves in the day that make us more miserable. And sometimes I do have days where I hate everything and my life is horrible and even my hair straighteners are against me but then I consume an entire advent calender and have my period again and I’m fine. There is always too much regret, too much looking back, too much of looking at other people and not enough good thoughts. And wine helps. Believe me. And so does believing in unicorns. And trying new things. And smiling.
And Always be what you want to be.
How to do girly shit – How to dine by yourself
I have no idea why I say the word ‘milk’ so often. How to eat by yourself in a restaurant. I think it’s something all women should feel comfortable doing by themselves. However If you want to look cool, calm and collected, this is not the video for you. Featuring Floss as herself.
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Review of things
My favourite hair products that I’ve been using and have always used. And my hair is up in a headscarf so you can see how well they all work. Excellent planning there. But not drunk tonight.I know, I can see your shocked faces from here. I am surprising my liver. It’s Ruby Tuesdays tomorrow, everything will be back to normal.
More pink things that will make your skin look glorious.
Vitamin E Body Shop Range
I bought these on a whim because I was in Body Shop with my brother and he wanted to go and look at the gaming shop and I had to spend my voucher very quickly while the sales assistant smiled at me encouragingly like I was in a special school. And I picked these, because they’re pink. I love trying new skincare stuff because I realized how much I spend on lovely makeup to cover my skin whereas I could be spending on products to make my skin look glowing anyway. And lovely makeup.
The Vitamin E range from The Body Shop is perfect for my skin. It hydrates it amazingly as it’s usually a bit parched from the tequila. Drinking it I mean, I don’t splash it on my face. I’m not at that stage of my life yet. They’re perfect if your skin is dry, but also work for other skin types well and smell of cleanliness. Like a fresh pile of washing before you put it on and immediately drop something down it.
The toner is perfect because I get very lazy after putting on club nights and want to go straight to bed and/or eat various weird leftover foods in bed. I’ll normally rub a wipe to get most of the makeup and club grime off but it never gets all of it. I dab this onto cotton wool and it removes any traces left of cleanser, dirt, make-up, soap, alcohol and shame and doesn’t dry it out. And it actually leaves me feeling quite refreshed like I’ve just dipped my face into a cold shower or an igloo.
The moisturizer I use in the morning. I say morning, but I really mean whatever time I fancy getting up after getting in at four. Use the illuminating moisture crème because it feels light on my skin and doesn’t make it so saturated that the primer and makeup slides straight off. This also really helps with undereye issues from lack of sleep and soothes them a lot, making me look a bit more like a human being and less like a zombie who’s been run over.
I’m really impressed with these two products and will hopefully buy some more Vitamin E stuff from Body Shop soon.They seem to suit my skin type, they feel lovely and my skin seems to look a lot nicer and feel softer since using them. In that very small window I see it in before shoving on everything in my makeup bag with a serving spoon.
Teasing can be a truly amazing way of having one of those orgasms that’s so good you can’t believe your body is capable of doing it. Because good things come to those who wait, and if it’s someone else making you wait it can be earth shattering.
Keeping your knickers on
Sometimes when someone starts to touch you, she’ll go straight for the clit like it’s some magical wardrobe portal into the realm of sex Narnia. But often it’s usually way too much pressure and it can feel like your clit’s been thrown into a cement mixer and bashed around. By keeping your knickers on it will ease that pressure and make you want their touch on you so much you’ll be telling your partner you’ll wash the cat for a year if they take pull them off.
Tongues in other places
Yes we know where you want to put that tongue but licking other parts of the body can really get your girl excited. Starting from the top and working your way down from ear lobes to neck to collar bone to boobs, to belly button to thighs. Missing out the vagina all together and going all the way down her legs will have her clawing at you like a baby wolverine.
I do mention dirty talk a lot, I think I probably say dirty words more than other words in my day because I made well informed career choices. But telling someone what you’re going to do to them will make them want it a lot more. If they know that soon you’ll be running your hands over their stomach or biting chocolate pieces out of your belly button or whipping them with a fleece, they’ll start to imagine it.
Probably the hardest one to do because once you’ve got a girl crying out your name and various swear words, you don’t really want to stop. But bringing someone to the point of orgasm and then stopping and then starting again is frustrating. It’s the same when you’re on the tube and it keeps breaking down. But for that woman, it will be a whole lot more amazing when she reaches her destination at Oxford Circus. And she might even reach Oxford Circus several times.
There is nothing more sexy than a woman who is touching herself in front of you. Especially if you’re not allowed to touch her and are just made to watch. You’ll get more and more aroused from seeing how much she’s enjoying it. Also, you get to see what she likes the most in sex because that’s the thing she’s going to do to herself. It’s like a rude trip to the theatre and a ‘How to use your fingers’ guide all rolled into one.
Not touching each other
Have you ever kissed a girl and not been allowed to even put one elbow on her? Act like teenagers before Skins came out and just kiss without putting your hands on each other. It’s harder than you think because her waist/arm/arse/boob is normally straight where you hand goes. Just like when you look at the Prime Minister and want to immediately touch his forehead to see if it’s real.
This is more of a couple’s post I guess because if you’re single and doing the one night stand, you’re normally going to want to rip their clothes off and do lots of drunken stuff with plastic things and then take a selfie entitled ‘win’ and put it on Instagram. To be honest I’m not really one of those people. To be more honest I am.
If none of this is really working I would suggest twerking for a substantial period of time and see what happens.
Five ways to Cure Chapped Lips
Winter is a beautiful month and yet it can wreck your beauty completely from getting rained on so you look like a squirrel who fell into a pond to the wind blowing your hair so much it looks like your using it for leaf storage. But for me the worse thing is chapped lips. Because you can have a face that’s a cross between Natalie Portman and but if you’ve got bits flaking off your lips, you might as well put your hood on back to front.
Very obvious start but there a good range of lipbalms that are very good in the colder months. Of course Lip salve is an entire industry based on you losing the product when you’ve used around 12% of it and having to buy more. The Eos lipbalms are the ones all the beauty bloggers ar talking about. And they’re fun to put on. It’s like a game. Carmex is quick and effective but for me stings like someone’s stabbing my lips with knitting needles.
I find Kiehl’s works the best but it’s very expensive and I only have it because I ‘borrowed’ it off my flatmate and now it can’t be returned to her because we have joined as one. Vaseline is a very good protector from the cold but beware of high winds and long hair. It will stick to the gooeyness so fast you will look like cousin It off the Adams family.
It sounds rude and it begins with F so I love it. But getting your lips hydrated will make them a lot less likely to crack and bleed. And yes sipping water is very dull compared to a large hot chocolate with a side of whipped cream or a very large tequila with a side of sex but it will do wonders for your lips. And if you’re taking the last option, you’re going to need them to be in top condition.
Putting oils on your lips can make them soft and juicy like a plum. You don’t need to sell your cat to buy really expensive ones either; any that you’ve got lying around in your kitchen cupboards will work a treat, although coconut is said to be the best. It absorbs very quickly so you put it on anywhere to ease the soreness and leave them feeling a lot healthier. This will also work with almost anything else on your body. I say almost because you don’t want to be putting oil in certain places. Well not yourself anyway.
Yes this does feel a bit weird but there are some amazing scrubs out there that make your lips feel like they’re being treated with rainbow love. Lush sugar scrub is like a magic potion that you put on and it makes them soft instantly. And it tastes incredible too you’ll scrub your lips for a little bit and then feel sick afterwards because you couldn’t top yourself eating cosmetics. I would avoid a lush one if you’re on a diet. If you’ve been living on a diet of celery and iron pills, you might end up licking out the entire pot. Gently exfoliate them using gentle motions of a washcloth or an old gentle toothbrush that’s still your friend.
I know we haven’t seen the sun in a while but your lips can still feel it. Especially if you’re ginger. This will prevent them from drying so much that they look like you’ve been making out with a person made from radiators.
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How to do Girly Shit – Writing a Diary
What a fail. How to write a diary but not really because it’s confusing. Don’t follow wikihow would be my advice. Me and the laptop are not speaking as the trust has gone. And we had no alcohol in the flat. I can’t even explain how serious this is.
I don’t actually have a diary, more of a planner that has my daily shit in it that I must complete as well as pages torn out from magazines and quotes that I should put on twitter or in a little book of stress or something. I have to study this thing like it’s a manual to my own life. I once lost it and missed two meetings and couldn’t remember what I was supposed to be blogging about, what I was supposed to be writing or who I was. Anything else I want to write that’s more personal I normally end up writing on here in some sort of way or I rant at Crayon and I feel a lot better.
I do have a scrapbook though, where I’ll put things that inspire me or things that I look at and make me feel better; cute kittens, beautiful interiors that I hope to have one day and Jennifer Lawrence’s body. I think a book like this can give you a lot of inspiration and it’s a piece of your personality. Currently my personality is mainly hot lesbians and cats, but that’s to be expected. If I get ideas for posts, videos, stories or books, I’ll put them in here. As well as ideas for what to get my cat for Christmas. Very important.
Tomorrow we have a big announcement happening at 6pm so check social media. @EffiMai and @femmeface. It’s exciting shit. More exciting than finding a unicorn. Imagine.
Pink things that will make your skin sparkle like Robert Pattison in Twilight although prettier.
My skin is ridiculously sensitive but these things make it all soft and smooth and sexually sparkly. And after a hard day of not doing much apart from riding around on the tubes, your skin can feel gross like you need to wipe it with disinfectant. So it’s lovely to get home and immerse yourself in the bath some vodka. Everything is better mixed with vodka This applies to drinks sometimes too.
The first is the strawberry sundae which smells like strawberries have been mashed together with love and rainbows and you have slap yourself before you go to lick it off your wrist. The little beads in it scrape away all the disgustingness off your skin and leave it swilling around the water in which your sitting in. But your skin feels heavenly and your hands get so soft it’s possible you and a newborn baby could have stiff competition.
The second is a body shop pink grapefruit gel and in this range I have everything because I love the smell so much. Lip balm, moisturizer, body butter and I routinely pick up a couple of pink grapefruits just to lob in the fridge next to the lettuce and wine because they’re pink and pretty and fill the place up a bit.. You will smell like a grapefruit for hours and so will the whole flat so it’s perfect and you don’t have to spend money on incense sticks that smell of mint and tree bark. You do have to pour this onto a sponge or a loofer or mop to lather it up otherwise it just slides off your body like a one night stand sobering up.
The soaps are my favourite. When I really like something I try not to use them that much incase they’re all gone. That’s such a British thing; if something is pretty put it in the ‘display’ part of the bathroom. Just how there’s fruit in the bowl in the kitchen and hidden underneath are nine toffee crisps.
The scents are all different and some are wonderful straight away and some take a bit of getting used to. For example the strawberry and cream and the daisy and apricot, you want to slather up and rub all over your skin in public whereas the herb garden took a whole chapter of Cecelia Ahearn to stop scrunching up my nose at it. I wouldn’t recommend using these on your face but anywhere else on your body is acceptable to an extent. They’re a bit rough on your nipples for example.
These are fragranced with natural oil so if you’ve got sensitive skin they are perfect and really moisturize dry skin too. My favourite one was actually the rosemary and mint because I had the worst hangover after my birthday and couldn’t even reach for the fruit scents. This smells like toothpaste to start with but once you’ve got it on your body, something magical happens and your skin feels invigorated and you have energy and you’re ready to get back on the gin. And just look how pretty they all are in their little box. And very British too.