Pink things that will make your skin sparkle like Robert Pattison in Twilight although prettier.
My skin is ridiculously sensitive but these things make it all soft and smooth and sexually sparkly. And after a hard day of not doing much apart from riding around on the tubes, your skin can feel gross like you need to wipe it with disinfectant. So it’s lovely to get home and immerse yourself in the bath some vodka. Everything is better mixed with vodka This applies to drinks sometimes too.
The first is the strawberry sundae which smells like strawberries have been mashed together with love and rainbows and you have slap yourself before you go to lick it off your wrist. The little beads in it scrape away all the disgustingness off your skin and leave it swilling around the water in which your sitting in. But your skin feels heavenly and your hands get so soft it’s possible you and a newborn baby could have stiff competition.
The second is a body shop pink grapefruit gel and in this range I have everything because I love the smell so much. Lip balm, moisturizer, body butter and I routinely pick up a couple of pink grapefruits just to lob in the fridge next to the lettuce and wine because they’re pink and pretty and fill the place up a bit.. You will smell like a grapefruit for hours and so will the whole flat so it’s perfect and you don’t have to spend money on incense sticks that smell of mint and tree bark. You do have to pour this onto a sponge or a loofer or mop to lather it up otherwise it just slides off your body like a one night stand sobering up.
The soaps are my favourite. When I really like something I try not to use them that much incase they’re all gone. That’s such a British thing; if something is pretty put it in the ‘display’ part of the bathroom. Just how there’s fruit in the bowl in the kitchen and hidden underneath are nine toffee crisps.
The scents are all different and some are wonderful straight away and some take a bit of getting used to. For example the strawberry and cream and the daisy and apricot, you want to slather up and rub all over your skin in public whereas the herb garden took a whole chapter of Cecelia Ahearn to stop scrunching up my nose at it. I wouldn’t recommend using these on your face but anywhere else on your body is acceptable to an extent. They’re a bit rough on your nipples for example.
These are fragranced with natural oil so if you’ve got sensitive skin they are perfect and really moisturize dry skin too. My favourite one was actually the rosemary and mint because I had the worst hangover after my birthday and couldn’t even reach for the fruit scents. This smells like toothpaste to start with but once you’ve got it on your body, something magical happens and your skin feels invigorated and you have energy and you’re ready to get back on the gin. And just look how pretty they all are in their little box. And very British too.
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And Isn’t Kendall Jenner like twelve?
I thought I’d review the gossip of the week because I quite like shallow thing. The AMA’s happened and Miley Cyrus performed with a large scary kitten. Also I’ve started fancying people I really shouldn’t be. I don’t know what has happened to the quality of this video. I think Floss has been getting drunk again and spilling Malibu on the webcam.
Collection Mineral Foundation
The beauty product that saves my life every day. Not literally, but it stops me looking like a gremlin. And that’s pretty much the same thing.
If I’m going out to the clubs for a tequila or nine, I will go all out with my make-up putting on the primer, concealer, foundation, powder, blusher, a bit of poster paint and glue depending on how my spots are looking. But when it’s a morning like a Saturday and I’m cursing past Effi for having thought that it didn’t matter if she drank a ridiculous amount on Friday night, and I’m peeling off bits of mascara while trying to eat some cheerios, this makes my face look actually decent.
I like Perfect Minerals mainly because it’s cheap and already has a brush built into it so I don’t have to go out and buy a specialized ‘This will make your face pop’ one that costs more than actual botox or a date with Natalie Portman. You just shove it on and brush it around your face until you feel that your face, can face the outdoor world and the 3D people.
They do a light to medium which I thought would be too dark for my skin as I normally fall in the category of ivory, porcelain or Casper the friendly ghost. I also like things that don’t get caught in my fringe because then I don’t look like I’ve given myself beige highlites making this product perfect and very life savoury.
Curvy is never a bad thing
* Now curvy sex toys can freak some people out quite a lot. Because where does it go and what does it do when it’s in there. But curved toys can really hit your clit get your G spot hot at the same time and when that happens, it’s like you’re in a dream world living on the clouds without a worry in the world and you’re happily screaming the place down and loving every moment.
Legendary Rock-Chick is the G spot stimulator specially designed for this cloud purpose meaning it’s less fumbling around trying to find the damn spot and a lot more stifling your cries of pleasure by biting down on your girl’s neck like a sexy twilight character.
As a hands free vibrator, this can be used with a partner when you want something a bit different or something that will get you in the mood instantly. If your girl is a bit too wired to do anything with you and just wants to eat a cheese sandwich and cuddle, this is the toy to get her excited. It’s also the toy to use if you or her find it difficult to orgasm and you need a bit of a boost. Like vitamin C for your vagina.
What I would say this is perfect for however is to have a go with yourself. When you’ve got a spare moment in the day inbetween fake praising your boss and babysitting the baby hedgehogs then treat yourself to a little ‘me’ time with an orgasm on the side. It can also really help you figure out what makes you cum quicker so that with partners you can then direct them. When pirates look for the x spot, they have a whole map, so it’s fine to give a few pointers to find the G. And tangent seems to be my middle name today.
And it’s so pretty! That obviously might not matter to some people but I like to look in my toy box and see all the girly things. And this one is feminine and pink and if I could put it on display in my window, I would. But I think that might upset the neighbours slightly.
Don’t be put off by the curved shape, it’s all revolutionary stuff darling.
Rocks off in Rock chick pink is here on the amazing and well worth the price Passion Secrets website – http://www.passionsecrets.co.uk/vibrators/vibrators/rocks-off-rock-chick-pink?cPath=4_7_30&
The Five Best Girly Apps
This might be the best girly app in the universe. If you’re anything like me, you will have a floordrobe, and you will root around it madly before selecting a skirt and top that don’t match and tights that have a hole in them and fuck you forgot to wash your favourite jumper and it has marmite down it and your cat has fallen asleep inside your boots. This virtual wardrobe has all your clothes how they’re meant to be living it up in the five star luxuary of an actual closet. You can also upload style inspirations which for me include Lauren Conrad, Jennifer Lawrence and Dora the explorer.
These are just handy and all of them are good. I have Pink Pad. Sometimes you’re just too busy being fabulous to work out when your next one is going to be. You just whip out your phone and it will tell you how many days you have left. So if you’ve only got a couple, you know that breaking all your crockery by throwing it at your neighbour’s had because you didn’t like his music was justified. Because you were premenstrual. I was actually very premenstrual today and threw my phone into the Thames. Not the best decision I can admit but my God more satisfying than a chocolate covered donut. This app is also very useful if you have a ‘shit I might be pregnant,’ moment. Not so much for the gay girls, unless your girlfriend is actually that good.
If you haven’t got the mirror app, get it. If you need to see if you have salad in your teeth before you go and talk to the person you’ve fancied for eight months, check in your phone mirror. If you need to make sure your hair is looking perfect for the date you then go on with said person, check your phone mirror. And when you need to make sure your face looks sad enough to dump said person because they live with their mother at the age of 38 and still own over a hundred beanie babies, check your phone mirror.
This basically sorts my life out. I use this so I know what meetings I have, what I have to buy from Sainsburys’ on the way home, what deadlines I have due in, how many tequilas I should be consuming and what my goals are in life once I stop drinking said tequila. It has lists, project organisation and reminders for you so you get off looking at cats and bras on Tumblr and get shit done.
Your bank App
This is boring so it’s going last, but every girl needs this. Needs it. Because if you’re in Topshop, some very weird part of your brain looks at those shoes and thinks ‘Yes, I can afford these, I have the money somewhere,’ and when you look at this app you will realize that no, you actually need to pay your rent and buy food because all you have in your fridge is wine and moisturizer.
How to not forget about the Romance
I talked about this a while ago but things need to be resaid sometimes. Lesbians are forgetful creatures much like your brain when it comes to any sort of exam or toothfairies that forget to visit you after the age of eleven.
After being in a relationship for a while the spark can kind of leave it, like you’ve stepped on the romance candle by mistake. Obviously after you’ve been together for some time it can be hard to keep it going. If you’ve had your usual day of making photocopies and swivelling in your chair and then you headed to Waitrose and they were out of your favourite almonds, once you get home you’re not really going to be in the mood to romance.
The main advice I can give you is make your girlfriend think like she’s the only woman in the world. Saying ‘The hottest bitch I have ever seen was on the bus today; would love to tap that,’ probably won’t do you any favours. I’m not talking about serenading them every morning, they may get tired of stepping over you to get breakfast. Just tell them they’re the only one for you unexpectedly sometimes or write her a note before you leave for the day.
Something little gifts can boost a relationship no end. Nothing like remortgaging the house to buy a diamond bracelet or one of those expensive inside-out cats. Simply a little token when it’s not an anniversary or birthday that means something. Or a new sex toy; they’re always good.
Surprise is also nice. Not the kind of surprise like telling her you may have slept with her sister or that you accidently knocked her mother out with a frying pan, but a nice one, like you’re taking her away for the weekend or you’ve cleaned the whole flat using your own fair hands and you also paid a maid. Or have her favourite song on when she comes over. Or even better get the old fondue set out.You’re bound to have one, or seven, because EVERYONE thinks they’re amazing birthday gift. Then all you need to do is smother grapes, strawberries, marshmallows in the melted chocolate and lick it off. Do the same with her and the chocolate and then lick something else too. Always get brownie points.
Cooking for someone can be really lovely rather than just taking them out. It shows you’ve gone to all the effort. Although don’t do what I do and expect them to do all the washing up because you’ve used every single utensil and drank a bottle of wine while preparing it all. What I absolutely love the most are random romances. Getting up to watch the sunrise or staying up late on a starry night. A picnic next to a river was my best date because it was simple and we had the whole day to just relax.
I think it can be easy to forget that your partner is not only your best friend and the person who you can rant about the Waitrose situation to, but your lover too. But then again maybe buy her a book called ‘How to be romantic,’ and give to her. I mean why should you do all the work?
Video Posted on Updated on
My reaction to Miley Cyrus on the XFactor because I missed it. Yes I realize it’s a day late but my computer crashed and started being a little bitch baby and refused to cooperate. I adore Miley, she’s just incredible and here she is in London on a sand dune.
Reasons you shouldn’t live by Yourself
This is not a post for all the women I envy. The ones who have their lives completely together and can easily manage any sort of DIY task efficiently without even batting one perfect eyelash or taking off their heels. But I am not one of those people.
I have a flatmate thank actual fuck. But this week she was away, leaving me to fend for myself. In the first three hours that she’d gone, I had managed to lock myself out of the flat wearing just a dress. And by just a dress I mean without shoes. Or knickers. So these are my five reasons why I shouldn’t probably ever live by myself. And if you’re anything like me, neither should you.
You can’t change a light bulb
The light in my bedroom has been out for weeks. But I’ve ignored it and told myself that it’s fine if I just lean up against my lava lamp to get my work done. But no I decided enough was enough and puta chair from the kitchen on top of the bed so I could reach. After wobbling more than a toddler’s bottom limp on the brink of a tantrum, I reached the bulb. It took me six attempts to get it out and then the dust from the lampshade made me sneeze so violently I crushed the bulb in my hands. It’s fine. Broken glass makes a perfect mattress cover.
You can’t use a hoover
I couldn’t figure out why the hoover wasn’t sucking anything up. So in my wisdom I decided to change the bag. After I’d hoovered the entire living room. I opened it up and the bag exploded over everything. And of course I didn’t know how to put the new bag back in so it remained like that for some time. Bits are still stuck to the wall now. But I did retrieve five hair bobbles, sixteen clips and a sock out of the nozzle.
You talk to yourself
This is getting quite worrying. I found myself talking to a bar of soap the other day asking it why it smelt like onions. I also tripped over my phone charger and yelled at it for being in my way.
You can’t cook
I once spent twenty minutes attempting to peel potatoes with a blunt peeler. Turned out it was a bottle opener. I can make toast and cupcakes. And even the toast part was tricky the other morning when a piece of crust got stuck in it and it started emanating black smoke and making noises like it was giving birth. And I much prefer the topping of the cupcakes, so really, when my flatmate isn’t here, I survive on a bowl of icing and wine. And that wine has to be a screw top otherwise I’m not going to get into that either. And there’s nowhere to sit and eat the food either since the bed is covered in glass and the living room has an exploded hoover in it.
You forget you live in the real world
I can sit down to do some work, put on one episode of Grey’s Anatomy and lose two and half days. I forget I’ve got deadlines, I forget I’ve got to eat some icing, and I forget I should probably brush my hair and get out of my giraffe onesie. But all that exist to me are these make believe doctors in this make believe hospital and I’m on the edge of my seat wondering if they’ll save these people’s make believe lives.
Nineteen Minutes by Jodi Picoult
“‘Get down,’ Matt hissed and he shoved Josie so that she fell behind the wooden bench. It wasn’t a good place to hide.
Josie started to cry. She was going to die. They were all going to die. She thought of a hundred things she hadn’t done yet that she so badly wanted to do. Go to Australia, swim with dolphins, get married.
She wiped her face against the back of Matt’s shirt and then the locker door burst open. Peter stumbled inside. His eyes wild, holding a handgun. His left sneaker was untied she noticed, and then couldn’t believe she’d noticed.
He lifted his gun at Matt, and she couldn’t help it.
Jordan walked to the jury box. ‘Peter are you the person who went into Sterling High school the morning of March the sixth and killed ten people?’
‘And wounded nineteen others?’
‘And caused countless damage to other people?’
‘Can you tell the jury,’ Jordan asked. ‘Why you did it,’
Peter looked into his eyes.
‘They started it,’
‘The bullies, the jocks, the ones who have called me freaks my whole life,’
‘Did you plan to kill all those people?’
They had rehearsed this in the holding cell. All Peter had to do was say what he’d said before.NO, No I didn’t.
Peter looked down at his hands.
‘It was a game,’ he said quietly. ‘And I won,’ “
I am obsessed with Jodi Picoult books. I have them all on my bookshelf. They’re all very pretty and match the wall paper. But that’s beside the point. Her writing is so incredible, I can lie awake for hours and hours turning the pages because I just absolute need to know what happens more than anything in the world. It keeps Floss the unicorn awake, it’s very annoying.
In Sterling high school, the location of nineteen minutes, the students are divided between the jocks and the popular girls and the freaks. Jodie Cormier has just found her way into the popular crowd and is now dating the popular boy. Her life has worked out well just like the rom com films and you can imagine her dressed in pink and swishing her hair. Her former best friend Peter Haughton falls into the latter category and is bullied so much from his first day that he goes in one morning and shoots ten people.
Alex Cormier, Josie’s mum and Lacy Haughton, Peter’s mum used to be best friends until they row over Peter when he is a child. In the devastating aftermath of March the sixth the judge and the midwife try and piece together what happened. Told from the point of view of many different people living in Sterling including the children and their mothers, the police officer at the scene and Peter’s hated attorney, and flicking back and forth in time to before the shooting and after, it will have you hooked.
“In nineteen minutes, you can mow the front lawn, color your hair, watch a third of a hockey game. In nineteen minutes, you can bake scones or get a tooth filled by a dentist; you can fold laundry for a family of five….In nineteen minutes, you can stop the world, or you can just jump off it. In nineteen minutes, you can get revenge.” In nineteen minutes by Jodi Picoult this is exactly what happens.
So the blog has changed quite a bit this week and will even more next week because I get very bored if things are the same. But the lesbian sex talk on a Friday will never change. Because there is too much sex talk and too many lesbians who read it. And even more unicorns who would be really disappointed.
First time to Fourth time
Sometimes first time bad sex isn’t a bad thing.
Personally, I think it’s not a big deal if sex with someone the first time doesn’t quite work out how you planned. Because we are human and we’re good at error. And we’re not talking about the notebook here where you get carried up the stairs and shag until you break Ryan Goslings penis. In the rain. Something like that. I haven’t seen the film.
If you’re having a one night stand and it’s bad, mark it down as an ‘experience,’ and know that listening to an orgasm that sounds like a French pig stuck in a fence is something we all have to go through. But having sex with someone when you want to date them can be a little tricky because there’s nerves involved, there’s the business of the awkward run up to it and there’s normally inappropriate underwear that you picked out especially but can’t quite unclasp.
I like the fourth time bliss theory. There should be no pressure until the fourth time so keep calm and put the strapon down. Your first time is normally that slightly awkward, slightly giggly, slightly biting your tongue to not say how much the birthmark on their bum looks like Jeremy Kyle’s face time. Yes it might be amazing and you might just look at their tits and know that you’ve met the person you want to spend the rest of your life with but in around 80% of first times you just have a nice time and are glad you’ve done it so you can go back to talking about breaking bad.
The second time is the figuring out time. If you’re good at talking about sex and know exactly what you want this can be like a driving lesson with a lot of perks. You give a few directions, you indicate where you’re going, you put pressure on certain pedals and then reach your G destination. Figuring out how she likes to be touched and at what precise angle she likes to be bent over the rocking chair is fun and experimental.
The third time is whoever didn’t get attention on the second time now gets their turn. So if this is you she can find out what preference you have over colour of sex toy. You might love turquoise but find that white is a bit too clinical and looks like someone is coming at you with a hand held food processer.
Yes you might sweep through all of these three stages in one epic sixteen hour session but some of us have jobs and early starts and pet tortoises to feed. I am not one of these people however. I’m normally hungover because I love going out and getting friends with my drinks. There’s hungover, then there’s eating at McDonald’s twice in one day.
The fouth time should then be perfect. Ish. You will know what to do, you’ll be comfortable enough to be naked, and you’ll know that when she keeps her tongue stud in, you’re in for quite a treat. Because life doesn’t always go all perfect so don’t worry about it. Just look at this blog post, you’re probably ignoring real life to read it.
It’s five things Thursday where I talk about five things. This week it’s what to do if you’re stuck in the friendzone. And yes, I know I’m three hours late posting this but you know, there was wine open when I got home and I got distracted.
Figure out how to underwear shop
This is something I haven’t really figured out yet. My aim is to just get material that makes my bum smaller and my boobs bigger. .Science. I think next video I will actually be doing the thing I’m talking about. It might be a tad more helpful than just sitting on my floor and talking to you about it. But these things need to be talked about. This video does not feature Floss as she was in bed because she is a lazy unicorn. And yes I think that sentence confirms that I am in fact still drunk.
What not to do after breaking up with someone.
It’s like everyone knows these things, but it until you feel like someone took out your heart and lawnmowered over it, it’s hard to even think straight. If you’re a lesbian and you’re thinking straight though, we already have issues here. I’ve been sent this question quite a bit so I’m going to tell you what not to do. Because I’m a bit better at knowing what not to do, normally straight after I’ve done them. The failing at life category might come in a lot here. So, what not to do after a horrible breakup.
Call/tx or facebook every time you think about them.
You will think about your ex. You’ll think about that time they made you breakfast in bed or that time they sketched a picture of your sleeping face. Or when that song comes on you just burst into tears because that’s the song that was playing in the supermarket when they told you you looked cute in a fleece. But contacting them is very different, it falls into the crazy stalker category and once you’re Mayor of that place, it’s very hard to quit.
Get a haircut.
Yes change your image slightly, but that means changing the colour of your maxi dress or getting a new shaped frame of sunglasses. Going into a salon will result in you coming back out screaming covering up your crazy Britney look with your tear filled tissues. Wait until you’re a lot less stressed and a lot less likely to make very stupid decisions involving scissors or pink hair dye.
Tell everyone in the actual world how you’re feeling.
You don’t want people reading your time line laughing at how you’re ‘completely fine’ and that your life ‘is just so much better now,’ inbetween statuses calling your ex an ‘emotionless twat of the highest degree.’ Facing and Facebooking your problems are two very different things.
Flaunt a rebound.
‘Kiss me quick my ex is there,’ Some of us will be guilty of this. This will only make them angry, think that you never cared about them, or make them do the same forcing you to throw yourself a pity party and invite your friends Ben and Jerry.
Get serious with someone else.
You will be confused. You might think you’re madly in love with this person and you can see yourself having a future with them filled with cats and Egyptian cotton sheets. But what you might be doing is using the future you planned with your ex and replacing them with someone different and usually a little less good looking. Usually someone really inappropriate like the nineteen year old from next door or your dentist.
Keep all their stuff, just in case.
If you have the ‘just in case,’ scenario stuck in your head, do anything you can to get rid of it. Wine washes that away quite well. And so does watching five hundred days of Summer. There is no ‘just in case,’ in that scenario, she married someone else.
Try to be friends straight away.
You will need space and a lot of it. If you can’t stand to see them even talking to another girl or if you get jealous because they smile at the McDonalds worker for a little too long over their Mcchicken sandwich, you cannot be hanging out with them.
Don’t think ‘What’s the point.’
You stop washing your hair, because what’s the point? You stop trying at work because what’s the point? You stop feeding your cat because what’s the point? There isn’t a point because you’re going to die alone anyway surrounded empty wine bottles. What you’ve got to remember is that you still need to look like you have your life together. Fake it until you make it. So embrace life with minty fresh hair, a promising career and a fat cat.
A new video to start off the day at 1am. Because when else would I possibly post. Will be more up to date in future weeks. This week will be a bit of a test drive.
Well I hope you all enjoyed Halloween and the best walk of shame you can possibly witness the day after. Nurses, zombies and slutty pumpkins all heading home with their bed hair and their heels and dignity missing.
So here’s a bit about what’s going on.
The blog is getting relaunched all excitingly. Like actually relaunched and everything. It sounds like something out of a bond film but just basically means I’ll be blogging every day from next Monday onwards. I know you would normally rebrand things before you change the whole design but I just don’t like to break the rules, I like to run over them with a tractor.
New things happening. Something every day. I know. That’s a lot of unicorn and tequila talk.
Monday will be Fangirl day where I talk about things in a vlog that I have fangirled over in the last few days. Performances, books, places I’ve been lately to attempt to pull women and music videos. You never know I might act them out too. Because who doesn’t want to see me licking hammers and crying naked on a swing in my local park.
Tuesday will be Feelings shit day. Because we should all talk about relationship things. Why keep your feelings locked up. There’s vodka for that.
Wednesday will be some sort of ‘Figure out how to,’ video mainly answering the delightful questions you lovely people send me or the ones life throws at me. Like why are there even adverts for toilet roll? Who the fuck isn’t buying toilet roll?
Thursday will be Five things day where I talk pointlessly about five things that have happened in the week or five lesbian things. I was going to do ten but five begins with F which makes this title a lot fucking easier.
Friday will be the same sexual Friday it’s always been and giving you advice because clearly I’m the person to listen to. ‘Threesomes are for when you must disappoint more than one woman at once.’ And with this I will also be putting on Sex classes in the famous Sh store in London with tips for lesbian sex and other bits. Don’t worry I won’t be acting out any of these things, I plan to be fully clothed. Possibly in a unicorn onesie.
Other things also. I’ve been short listed for BEST BLOGGER annnnnd WOMAN OF THE YEAR in the planet London awards. How I do not know but thank you to everyone who nominated me and I would love to be voted for if you’ve got a sec. http://www.planet-london.com/ultimateawards/nominate2013.html
Right I have to go and plan exciting things for next week. And this liver really isn’t going to damage itself.
Trying out and finding what you like
*You know you’re a sex goddess. We’ve established this, all of us every Friday. And now women are collecting toys and trying out things until they find a toy for every sexual Goddess needs.
There are new websites popping up for finding new ways to hit their spot, to nudge the G into ecstacy and everything else that’s sugar and spice and all things nice. You don’t need to buy toys anymore that cost about the same as Bungalow with a nice patio. And we’ve become a lot more experimental. Choosing things that we thought might be too dirty before now get popped into our shopping baskets along with our favourite blueberry lube and a couple of whips for good measure.
Passion Secrets is one of those sites where everything is good and cheap and you can end up buying forty without realizing and suddenly you’re set for lent. Who needs chocolate when you can have multiple orgasms? But we’re not talking about low quality either. These are top notch top class top value toys to get on top of your girl with.
For lesbians, the vibrator section is like being in an alcohol shop where they’ve just put everything on sales. So much choice. And will tease you more than Rachel Riley in a short dress on countdown. I love vibrators that do it all because even if you’ve had the most awkward sex, where your hair caught in the zip or got twisted in your bra strap and you couldn’t get the unicorn onesie off, you put a vibrator on your girl and she won’t be complaining. If you’re not used to them try something tiny like a bullet that can make your scream like an excited whale but isn’t something huge that you’ll struggle to hide in your knicker drawer.
Toys don’t have to be something that you save up your bus change for and one that makes you scream the house down and pull your partner’s hair might not work for her. It’s good to have your own favourite, it’s like having your own best friend.
Passion Secrets are also looking for lesbians to host sex toy parties so if you fancy being surrounded by toys and screaming lesbians then get in touch. And unicorns. There’s always unicorns.