Long live the king!
You know I love my nights out. As I’m quite the night time person, and even more so, a ‘morning can go fuck it’s self’ person.
Now this is a night to go to kids. If you like to perform in drag or watch it this is the night for you obviously. Snap crackle pop you’re there. But if you like amazing performances, funny hosts, random comedy, sexy costumes, dancing and drinking, then get your asses to this night. With its last one happening in Candy Bar tomorrow night, it will be spreading it’s king wings in 2014 and taking over the world.
The night is hosted by superstar drag king Adam All and his side kick Apple Derrieres who want the drag King world to get as much attention as those who drag as queens. The Open mic night Boi Box is the first of its kind and is a live showcase of established Kings and first time Princes. And I’m always there loving life and wondering how to pull off a ginger moustache. While drinking. It’s kind of amazing I’m still alive given that I have this much unlimited access to alcohol and lesbians.
Boi Box will also have their own room at the Lesbian Prom and we’re very excited to have such a different mix of people involved already. What I wanted to do was to shine some light on a night that I enjoy and look forward to every time, show you what it means to be a drag king, and make you fall in love with the epic gloriously funny and talented Adam All. So here is our majestic interview talking about the world of drag, misconceptions, what Adam does, and Apple’s boobs.
What does it mean to be a Drag King?
In general drag means impersonating/performing a gender stereotype and that’s normally of the opposite sex to your own, though not always, and breaking those gender boundaries plays a big part in both the performance and humour of drag. Essentially drag is about comedy and cabaret, displaying a character through music, costume, performance, audience interaction and laughs. Its an all round entertainment package. Being a King, well that’s perhaps a little more complex these days; there really aren’t that many of us and far fewer actually working on the cabaret circuit, I often find my audiences don’t really know what to make of me at the start of my set, a lot of the time I find people can’t tell I’m really a woman, of those that can some assume I am trans or transitioning though I am not, I would never presume to represent or express that. I try to do my part to spread knowledge of kings with every show I do and particularly with the night that I run monthly at the Candy Bar in Soho, BOi BOX. And so I find myself a diplomat for all those who impersonate men, in their many varied forms. At the same time it is a great opportunity to strut about exaggerating my own inbuilt masculinity, singing great songs and winning a laugh or two, it’s truly liberating, but saying that, I wear far more makeup as Adam than I do in my everyday life, so it’s clearly a performance for me rather than a fully functioning alter ego.
How long have you been doing it?
I’ve been specifically dressing in drag since I was 17, at first it was about exploring my gender identity and I did spend about a year turning inward to explore my personal gender, a very confusing time but ultimately really empowering. I remembered the other day that my parents would take me to see father Christmas when I was very young, about 4 or 5, and I never wanted those silly pink parcels with a doll or a fake plastic hairdryer in, I wanted the train set or the walkie-talkies or the electric car… so my parents would let me pretend to be a boy. Essentially my first drag name was Thomas. I loved those walkie-talkies until I was 12. I began performing as a real Drag King in 2008, I played some local venues, got to the finals of Drag Idol in 2009 and then held nights at The 3 Graces in Hove, The Marlborough in Brighton and now Candy Bar in Soho. It’s been a long road and there is still a long way to go.
Do you think people have misconceptions?
I believe some people assume that I am all about sex and that I am there to be provocative and take my clothes off or flirt with everyone whilst they blatantly manhandle me. I don’t feel that expresses my masculine character so I don’t do it…unless it’s funny. In fact Adam is quite specifically designed to portray a male with both masculine and feminine qualities some of which he shares openly and some which he tries to hide. I once stripped from an army shirt to a pink tutu live on stage, it was not my ‘package’ that got the laugh, more the state of my grey y-fronts and my strong arabesque! I believe there are more misconceptions in the drag world itself. I have found it very difficult to sell the concept to venues that usually show Drag Queens and that many venue owners don’t value Kings as performers at all let alone as equals to the Queens despite my credits at competitions, main stream venues and events. It frustrates me that there is so little main-stream understanding of the genre despite its obvious popularity. I include the character ‘Apple’, Adam’s uber girly girlfriend, in as many performances as I can persuade her to do, as I feel people understand her character much more easily and therefore understand Adam, by contrast and association, with more clarity. And the view of Kings is fast changing, shows in the USA and Australia are very popular, and Kings are literally pouring out of the woodwork there so we won’t be far behind, not if things continue as they have been over the past year, it’s really exciting and I’m so proud to be a party of it.
What can people expect from your night BOi BOX?
BOi BOX is a really fast paced and fun atmosphere, specifically catering for drag kings and MI (male impersonators) though it is basically a cabaret showcase night. I host alongside my real life and drag world girlfriend Apple Derrières who also co manages the night, and each month we feature a guest host. I love the huge variety of people that come to both watch and participate in the performances and I’m immensely proud to say we have had some fine new acts emerging from our night; mime artists, singers, dancers and more. So basically you can show up, having never heard of a drag king, get involved with our moustaches, bowties and dress-up box, perform using the karaoke or your own music and walk out with our top prize, the pint glass of glory and a promoted opening slot at the following months event. Of course we encourage as many people as possible to join in the fun every month but its not at all necessary. Many people come just to watch and to dance to our mashed up mix of music of all genres, there’s something for everyone and everything goes except slow songs, no slow tunes please, dj, we’re here to dance, strut and celebrate our swagger!
It’s been a long road building BOi BOX to what it is today. Its first incarnation Bois Night Out was a good step in the right direction but it never really took off with the same momentum that is showing now at BOi BOX. It’s always been a 2 man job. After a shed load of encouraging, cajoling, bargaining and brain washing with endless episodes of Ru Pauls Drag Race, I finally got my partner to help me run the thing. She’s brought a different perspective as well as daring creativity and a ton of performance knowledge to the table. I couldn’t be more grateful. Plus, with her boobs, I couldn’t ask for anyone better to bring the punters to the party.
How did Adam all come about?
I was really lucky. I loved dressing up as a guy, the suits, the shoes, the sideburns. It was always a little dangerous and sexy, and I loved Karaoke to the point that I went to at least 3 different venues every week. And that’s how I met Lucinda Lashes, hosting and performing, she basically handed me a 3 cd collection of backing tracks, a list of about 4 do’s and don’ts and then 6 weeks later bundled me onto the stage at the London Hotel in Southampton for a showcase performance lasting half an hour. Knowing what I know now about the cabaret scene and how often you are asked to perform for 30 minutes, I know that Lucinda did me an enormous favour. It was the start of something really amazing for me. It was the release I needed for my masculinity, the stage for my creativity and the start of a fantastic journey of self discovery. I’ll always be grateful to my drag Mum, I still love her show and catch it whenever I can. That’s now what we hope to do for the new bois on the block. I hope that I can help to expand the Drag King scene so that Kings perform at more and more mainstream cabaret venues to wider audiences inspire more and more acts and in time, really change the face of drag performance art as a whole.
New Sex Classes for Lesbians. Hosted by me. Jesus.
Thinking I might be a teacher when I was younger, I didn’t think it would be this sort of teaching to be perfectly honest with you. But I could be teaching how to find the value of X in a primary colour palet after counting the verbs in the Battle of Hastings, but instead I get to talk about vaginas. I think I win there.
What to do when a plant turns you on so much you have to have sex next to it.
So yes, I will be teaching some lesbian classes in Sh! Women from next week onwards.
First up we have Lesbian Sex Talk 101 which in no particular order I will be talking about
Foreplay. Foreplay is obviously very important to girls otherwise it’s kind of like going down a waterslide without any water on it. And there are lots of tips and tricks when it comes to foreplay stuff, especially when you’re talking about figuring out the clasps of bras and how to throw knickers off with panache and not getting them stuck on the light fitting.
Going down. Always scary if it’s your first time. Or your 459th. Because it is like a Chamber of secrets that you have to figure out. And then you slytherin your tongue. I may continue with the Harry Potter puns. Sirusly.
Female Body Stuff. Things that make you go ooh. All those bits that will make a girl want you just that little bit more.
Toys. Some toys are so good it can make a woman look like a demon is being exorcised from her body. But some don’t really work and some girls don’t really like them. But if you prefer them to other things then we will talk about, as Barbie girl puts it, life with plastic is fantastic.
Cake. There will be cake and I will probably talk about it as I love cake.
Questions. I will answer any questions you might have or we will have chats over said cake about different topics.
Many other things. There is a lot more to talk about plus champagne which makes me want to talk about sex even more than I do already. And even the embarrassing bits. You haven’t experienced true horror until you’ve trapped your head in your turtle neck. I may even bring a blackboard and do diagrams and graphs. It’s all very serious stuff.
I will also be doing classes on blowing her mind which is all about the staple of every lesbian diet, Oral sex.
Now with the boys class, there are obviously obvious shaped things that you can use to practise on so I will be racking my brains for the vagina alternative. Peaches seem to be viable but I’m open to suggestions. Maybe Fried Green Tomatoes. I’ll have less wine and think about the whole affair.
These classes are Designed for all women who like women, and they will address (amongst many other things) what’s actually going on down there, finding and pleasuring the clit or G-spot, the fine art of teasing, and plenty of help for the first timers! This really will be a humorous and non-judgemental environment, so come along and have some giggles, advice and cake.
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As it is the season of festivities and drinking bars dry of tequila and I have no idea what day it is, a proper video was not going happen.So here is this, extras and me trying to open a bottle of wine. I should not be allowed to live by myself. I say this daily.
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I LOVE resolutions
HAPPY NEW YEAR
Happy New Year one and all. I hope all your wishes and kisses come true. And you get very drunk in good New Year’s Eve fashion.
I’m going to take this oppotuinity to say thank you to everyone who has read my blog, commented, liked things, emailed me pictures of cats, unicorns and boobs and Im looking forward to carrying it all on in 2014. So yes, HAPPY NEW YEAR Princess Faces.
E :) x
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How to get a new years kiss
Ok so not really a review this Monday but call it a pre review of your New years that will now include a kiss. Does that work? Probably not it’s been a long day. A new years kiss can be very important to girls and unicorns alike because if you are in one of those places where everyone is kissing around you, you don’t want to be the only one not doing it. And you don’t want to be the girl hiding in the loo sipping on her gin and tonic by herself either. If you don’t give a shit about a kiss, good for you, high five and four candy canes for you Glen Coco. And none for Gretchen Wieners bye.
How to have sex hungover.
And yes this is a thing.
New year is usually the worst hangover of the year for me. Because bars cleverly open two hours later than usual and then you think it’s a good idea to also carry on the festivities at home. Why the fuck not, it’s Christmas. And because it’s the New year, you also want to get some sex in as soon as possible. Everyone knows if you don’t have sex in the first week of January you’re technically a virgin again. True story. So wipe the sleep and sequins from your eyes, remove the champagne cork from your knotted puked covered hair and get ready.
The best thing about hungover sex is that it will make you feel better instantly. The worse thing about it is you may slightly a little tiny bit puke on their face. Give and take really. If you are feeling delicate I would avoid going down on the girl. You do not need hungover maths coming into play here. Dodgy stomach minus sober sense plus a vagina multiply by attempted orgasms equals a 2014 present you don’t really want. Choose your positions wisely. Go for sitting on top or lying side by side. Nothing that makes you move too much. Anything too vigorous will make you feel like you’re sea sick.
Of course you may need to freshen up a little. If you decided Sambuca bombs were a good idea then you may have your partner running screaming from the room with your liquorice breath. Your hair also may have an array of glitter, candyfloss, champagne, balloons, party popper paper stuff and tree branches depending on the length of your hair and the height from which you fell into the Christmas tree, so you will need to brush it.
If you are still fully dressed you will need to remove your clothes as soon as possible. Also sequin dresses from the night before are scratchy and shirts with buttons are tricky. Remove these and put on a sensible and sexually pleasing panda onesie. You could always have sex in the shower or bath as then you are using the stones to kill the birds thing. So you can orgasm while you use your coconut body scrub to replace the smell of Malibu and your strawberry shampoo to replace the smell of regret. It’s impossible to feel sad when you can smell strawberries.
If you took someone home the night before you might want to check that you still want to have sex with them. They may have looked cheekily hot last night when they kissed you under the mistletoe or swung you into their arms as the clock counted down, but, in the sober light of day, they might have a face that looks like it’s constantly about to sneeze. Evaluate the situation and the ugly to sexual needs graph and decide what to do.
For some reason we seem to be horny on a hangover even though we feel like we’ve been repeatedly run over by a truck. While Justin Bieber sings in the background. Be wise, get some water so your partner doesn’t feel like they’re kissing a cactus and know your limits. If you’ve got the point where you’re passed out in the cat litter tray, you may need to reevaluate your sexual needs.
Revisiting Getting Hot on the Holidays
It’s that time again, when you have to go back to your family and try and keep your sanity over turkey and the Christmas special of Doctor Who. When you’re home for the holidays and you’re back in your childhood room and all your family is around you and there’s chestnuts in the fire and all that jam, it’s lovely. But getting frisky with your girl with all this around can be trickier than finding a decent priced unicorn on ebay.
First off, you might be in separate rooms. Your partner may be in the guest room in the big guest bed because she’s a guest and you might be in a sleeping bag on your brother’s floor using a towel as a pillow. So of course you will be very tempted to sneak over to where she is but that can cause all sorts of problems. Relatives, especially cousins like to check up one what’s going on and may just open the door to ‘check’ on you both. This can happen whether you’re a young fresh uni student of twenty or whether you’re nearing forty and have a grown up joint bank account.
Doing the naughty deed in a house full of people can be a tiring event. You have all the good intentions of being quiet but then you get into it all and she puts that thing in that spot and suddenly you’re screaming out like a whale being beaten. Tricky. I would suggest biting down on a pillow, on her shoulder or other body part and/or on the cat to muffle the screams. Also doing it under the duvet helps a bit and it’s cool because it’s like your own little sex world under there.
Sometimes though you’re not the problem and it’s the bed that’s squeaking away with pleasure. This can make you scared to move like you’re in a bad horror movie waiting for a teenager to climb out the television. The floor, against the wall or in the wardrobe can be great alternatives. Or both pretend you have a big bout of food poisoning from the Quality Street toffees and stay in the bathroom together for a bit. The fun you can have with conditioner and loo roll is endless.
Of course you can always try waiting until everyone is out the house but it’s normally not the done thing at Christmas with everyone not getting out their pyjamas until four pm and that’s only to nip out and buy Elf on DVD. You could always suggest things for the whole family to participate in like ice skating, erotic pottery or a nice swim in the Thames. This is even better if you don’t live near London as then there’s travel time included.
Doing the whole silent sex thing can be kind of hot and spicy. Like a naughty sexed up curry. It can really turn you on when you’re barely moving and muffling each other’s noises with kisses or hummus. And if you do it somewhere risky during the day like on a table or in the garage you’ve got to be prepared to be quick and get in and out and back in again as fast as you can.
Don’t be too obvious with things. Putting music or a film on loudly is as obvious as putting a tie on the door. Leaving out the lube and a sex toy out and then later trying to explain that it’s actually a weird shaped perfume bottle will never go down well. Unlike what you might have seen in the long-nailed-big-titted-blonde porn films, it is possible to have sex quietly in the holidays as long as you’re careful and don’t mind possibly getting caught in a compromising position with a turkey.
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Incase you didn’t realize, I quite like this woman. And yes I mention the prom again, but we only announced the acts yesterday and I’m giddy. Keeping that a secret was not good for me as I have a tendency to blurt things out in any situation. I once told my neighbour her husband was having an affair with the milkman’s daughter and that I’d accidentally kicked her cat too because it jumped out in front of me. But yes anyway, Charli XCX is cool, my review of Lauren CHVRCHES is here and prom information is here. Bam.
Ways to make your makeup last longer
I really don’t like applying makeup in the morning, I get very bored with the whole routine and end up shouting at my face to ‘just be god damn prettier so I don’t have to put on all this shit.’ I will rarely reapply it either unless I have an important meeting where I have to look like I’m not a twelve year old girl and/or if there’s a hot girl around who looks slightly like Natalie Portman. So basically I need my makeup to stay on during the day. And I’ve found that the stuff I do does actually help a bit.
Primer Primer Primer
I never used to use primer. I thought it was just one more thing to put on my face that didn’t cover my dark circles or spots and was a waste of time, but face primer actually really makes your makeup stay on. By lunch time, my foundation used to leave my face like it had better things to do. Some primers are a little costly but I use Smash Box Photo Finish and it works just fine. And you hardly need any of it, only a little sweep across your skin and because you’re using it so sparingly, it keeps for a long time. Just like I do with margarine when it’s the day before pay day and I’ve run out of food.
For my eyes I use Bare Minerals Prime Time and it stops any eye shadow creasing or going stringy and liney like some sort of beige railway track. And if you’re wearing a colourful shade, it can make it look a lot brighter so purple actually looks like purple and not like a bruise from being punched in the eye.
With foundation I just used to slap it on any old how so I could cover my hangover as soon as possible. I invested in a foundation brush, and when I say invested, I do mean invested because it cost about as much as the electric bill for three months or a weekly supply of tequila. But this does work. I got impatient as first because it took more time and there was cheerios to be eaten before leaving the house but once you start building it on your face rather than just chucking it on like a Dad putting cellotape on a Christmas present, it really does stay on a lot longer.
I always thought powder would give me a really chalky look and make me look even more like a vampire. But a good one can set your foundation making it last. The lighter the version is, the better, Maybelline’s Dream Matte Powder lasts ages and doesn’t feel grainy at all. I once used one that felt like I’d dipped my face in jam and fallen head first into a sandpit.
The most annoying thing for me was my eyes watering when I yawned or how I’d keep rubbing my eyes and then curse because I’d ruined my mascara yet again. I switched to a waterproof one and this has stopped happening. And now I’m also prepared for anything. When I’m secretly watching Grey’s Anatomy at my desk and Shonda Rymes decides to kill of someone awesome and pretty again, my eyes don’t give anything away.
Stop Blot Top
Lips have always been the worst part and I love lipstick. But it would come off on the cup I was sipping from, the cheese sandwich I was biting, the envelopes I was licking, or coworker I was kissing. Only joking. I never wore lipstick if I knew I would be kissing her.
I now have my Stop Blot Top rule. It sounds like a sexual position I know but it does work. That is stop applying so much. I used to put so much on it was any wonder I had any lipstick left by the end of it. Blot the excess lipstick with tissue paper or a coworker’s mouth, and then top it with a lip balm or a lipgloss and this locks the colour in a lot more.
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How to do Girly Shit – Have a bath
Because it’s winter we all need to relax.The purpose of having a bath is to do this but sometimes our days just get too over run with chores and unicorns. Having a bath is more tricky then you think as relaxing is not that easy to achieve and you need a lot of stuff surrounding you to be able to do it. I would suggest getting very drunk on tequila.Or just pour the tequila in the bath and let osmosis happen naturally.
Pink Drinks that I’m currently loving
It’s winter and it’s cold and that means we drink to warm up. Obviously in the day time we go for the starbucks range of everything cinnamon that comes in pretty cups with snowflakes on and you have to Instagram it before you drink it. But at night time you want to put you alcohol coat on so that you can go out in sparkly dress and not shiver so much that you look like a sequinned vibrator.
This one is pink and Christmassy.
A cranberry cocktail is perfect because it’s like cranberry sauce that you wash down your dry work party turkey with only better. Because it’s full of alcohol to make you cope with your co-workers. Blend together some cranberries, syrup, a glass of red wine, some lemon zest and some sugar or vanilla extract in a blender. The add ice so you can chew it and not make comments about your boss’s Reindeer’s sexual positions tie. And throw a load of cranberries on to the top of the glass and you’ve basically got a Christmas fruit salad.
This one is pink and sugary
A Rasberry cocktail is liking drinking a pudding and it’s delightful. And it also makes you forget you’re drinking so you suddenly have no idea why you can’t walk in your new shoes or why you find the girl with the neck tattoo attractive. Mix some blue raspberry vodka with lemonade and raspberry juice and chuck a load of lemon zest and sherbet over the top. Maybe a bit of meringue too if you don’t mind throwing up in your handbag later. It’s the most delicious sparkly drink that I drink and it tastes like rainbows and happiness.
This one is pink and posh
Champagne to me is posh and always will be. If you’re out sipping champagne with your little finger in the air and not downing jaiger bombs like the rest of us I will be impressed. To make it taste even better and to make it pink, mash strawberries, mint and a small bit of amaretto and mix it all together. And to make it even better freeze it slightly and you have yourself a slushy like in the olden days but one that doesn’t taste of sugar and e numbers. Splendid.
This one is pink and Summery
I’m a big fan of opposites, so drinking summery drinks in the winter because it makes me feel like I’m celebrating a bank holiday. And I like gin in the summer because it reminds me of BBQs. Mix gin with cream, egg white, grenadine syrup and pomegranate juice and it tastes like an alcoholic summery yoghurt . A good one will make you imagine that you’re lying on a beach somewhere, in the shade if you’re ginger, and sipping on this and feeling your worries drift away in the stunning ocean. And when you open your eyes to find you’re in Hackney and it’s raining, just have another one.
This one is pink and has tequila in it so it wins.
Ah yes, my best friend tequila who I love in the night time, and hate in the mornings. Kind of like a one night stand who I can’t stop going back to who gives me great pleasure in the night and then tries to stay in the morning and eats the last of my cheerios.
For this cocktail mix two shots of tequila with pink grapefruit juice and some lime squash and sugar. You can squeeze the entire two fruits or you could go to Asda and get there’s for a pound and spend that extra hour plucking your eyebrows to perfection. They’re very strong so top up your glass with soda water if you plan to go out and not be passed out on your bathroom floor at 7pm.
Do you have any favourite cocktails? Extra candy cane points if they’re pink. Four for you Glen Coco.
More Pink Things for a more Day Time Look
This time, a pink thing for your lips. Normally, I’m much more of a fan of red lipstick but it clashes madly with my hair and I like to be different. But sometimes, when you’re going to work to hide in the stationary cupboard, compared to the blandness of your office, you can end up looking a bit like a street walker who’s got lost. The pink is not too bright but also not too bland that you can’t tell if I have some on it or not. And because it’s the amazing Dainty Doll range, it works with pale skin and doesn’t look weird with your freckles. And your lips look full and nourished like you’ve been treating them right with all the lovely treats.
I love Dainty Doll stuff and have quite a collection now all stuffed into the bathroom cabinet so you get attacked by concealers and primers every time you open it. And it’s not as expensive as you would think coming from a celebrity in a band and everything and it really makes me feel more confident and like I’m allowed to wear makeup being a ghost and all. It goes on really easily and moisturizes you lips a little too so you don’t get the whole flaky lips thing that looks like you’ve been making out with a towel. It does smudge off easily though so if you’re planning on drinking tequila or kissing your girlfriend or cat, maybe take it off first.
Get the lipstick and loads of other pale skin amazingness Here.
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Yes this is actually happening like a proper business and everything and I am excited.
Lookit. Femme Face and Freedom World LTD have joined up to do things and have created a range of greeting cards and Posters. I apologize for the video trying to sell them, I got a tad too exited and it was 4am and I was wired like a council flat window. So this is the new venture for us with the amazing company Freedom World that I like a lot for three main reason: 1. The site is amaze tits and offers a whole range of home stuff, gay stuff and any other pretty stuff you could desire. 2. The girl who runs it is hilarious and it’s nice not working for a business control freak who doesn’t understand the relevance of unicorns and 3. It begins with F and that makes life just a whole lot easier and saves me scrolling through thingsbeginningwithF .com and cursing that I chose such a stupid letter.
So they come in these ranges and they come all pretty in three different colours so you can choose ones to match your walls in your house or match your makeup or match the person you fancy’s underwear because we all like a bit of coordination sometimes. Come in these designs -
MAY contain nudity? Either it does or it doesn’t, don’t waste my time.
I can’t be held responsible for what I do when I’m sober.
Water is good for you. Especially when it’s frozen and surrounded by vodka.
I like to walk by a girl in slow motion so she thinks I’m the one.
People who say you can’t buy happiness just don’t know where the off licence is.
“Who else would put up with me,” is apparently not a good compliment to give your girlfriend.
I always try and learn from my mistakes of other people. Who have taken my advice.
I know it’s going to be a shitty day when I wake up with no texts from my imaginary girlfriends.
I think my girlfriend’s hallucinating. She keeps telling me she’s seeing other people.
Look in mirror. Think I look good. Think outfit looks good. Meet friend. Sees her looks. Sees her outfit. Hates life.
I have a better idea. Tell your boobs to stop staring at me, it’s very distracting.
Why are there adverts for toilet roll? Who the fuck doesn’t buy toilet roll?
The Toy you should get your girlfriend for Christmas. Actually just get it for yourself.
*If you don’t own this toy, it should be on the top of your wishlist because it is just amazing. And this is why you should buy it for Christmas. And then use it on Christmas day. And you will be like yes wow.
It is the perfect shape. It’s like someone went through the effort of taking a mould of the inside of the most perfect women’s vagina. And then made it vibrate. Lots. It curves the right way so there’s none of that uncomfortable feeling you sometimes get when you’re trying to put a square peg in a very unround and complicated shaped hole. The base is also brilliant as if you’re fucking someone with it, you don’t lose grip and you’re in full control. None of that awkwardness where the toy slips from your hand and lands on the floor and you don’t know if the five second rule applies here.
It doesn’t look like a penis. I like when they’re pink or purple or turquoise and they match my bedroom and don’t actually look like a penis that has veins in it because, just as very personal preference, those toys make me want to throw up my internal organs. And it’s pretty and matches my room. Obviously very important for something that’s going inside you.
It doesn’t require batteries, it’s rechargeable. So as soon as you have it in your possession, you can go to town. And spin it round. And turn that frown upside down. This just makes for a safer world too. Too many times have I taken the batteries out of the smoke detector for such occasions.
There is like a thousand different vibrator settings. Ok there’s eight. But they range from a quiet low buzz to inside-a-tumble-dryer level and you can really mix it up with ones that buzz intermittently and ones that are all over the show and your clit has no idea what it going on. With the levels it’s like being on Super Mario where at the start it’s cool and you’re just chilling with the mushrooms and it’s nice and then you turn it up and soon you’ve defeated Bowser and you’re having multiple orgasms with the princess.
It glows in the fucking dark. If you’re feeling a little shy and need the lights to be off, you can still see what you’re doing. This can be a big mistake with in-the-dark sex. You can switch it off by mistake at the wrong time, or you could put it in the wrong place. But this gives you just enough light so you can see what you’re doing and can see when and how to change the settings up a bit. It’s like the star that lead the shepherds to Jesus. Only instead it’s leading you to screaming out Jesus’s name.
And yes, if you’re looking for the perfect Christmas gift that’s a bit dirty and a bit different and will definitely not be opened in front of any family members, I would recommend this.
Desire Vibrator: Exclusive to Sh! - http://www.sh-womenstore.com/Sex+Toys/Vibrators/Clitoral+Vibrators/Desire-Vibrator.html
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Five Ways to be Happy
Or a bit happier at least. There are some things that we all do to ourselves in the day that make us more miserable. And sometimes I do have days where I hate everything and my life is horrible and even my hair straighteners are against me but then I consume an entire advent calender and have my period again and I’m fine. There is always too much regret, too much looking back, too much of looking at other people and not enough good thoughts. And wine helps. Believe me. And so does believing in unicorns. And trying new things. And smiling.
And Always be what you want to be.