Feeling like the Third Wheel

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“Hi! So my two best friend’s got together recently (such a lesbian thing to do) and we still hang out as before. But how do I not be an awkward 3rd wheel when we’re hanging out?’

- Ellie 

 Being the gooseberry is never fun. Firstly, if they’re on a romantic date and you’ve just turned up uninvited with a tube of smarties then this is not acceptable. Go home, pour the smarties on the floor and have a little swim in them while watching some sort of lesbian porn.

If you’re just hanging out as friends on days out at the beach or at a button museum and all they do is hold hands sometimes or peck at random intervals , you have to be ok with this. They are being with you, but still casually showing that they are a cute couple. They are also allowed to pass love hearts to each other if they notice a cute message on one in their packet. That is the rule.

But if they are doing any of the following:  Sharing one piece of chewing gum between them by passing it back and forth, staring into each other’s eyes for more than the recommended 24 seconds, kissing until one of them passes out from lack of oxygen, stroke each other’s elbows, boobs or ankles, ditto with clitoris, sit together on some sort of nicely shaped fence and use it a pleasure mechanism and/or start reminiscing about that thing with the hamster that they did in bed the other day, then you have to say something to sort that shit out.

My first idea would be to distract them with something shiny so they start looking towards you. You could hold hands with yourself and point out how romantic it is to be on a double date. Or you could start to hum loudly every time they start to make out. I like the bond theme tune for this one as it has a certain sense of impending doom attached to it. Or you could point out that as a couple, they look like Shane and Jenny. It’s enough to make any lesbian step away.

If you talk to them they might not even realize they’ve been doing it. And they might feel that they need to show off their love or maybe one of them is insecure that a sexual being like yourself might steal one away. It was what happened with brad, Angelina and me and so now we just can’t hang out anymore. Sad really.

If you’re their best friend then they will want to hang out with you but right now, they just haven’t got the balance. Don’t worry, the lesbian bed death will soon take them and they’ll be bored and frustrated and throwing shoes at each other in no time. And you’ll be the favourite again.

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6 thoughts on “Feeling like the Third Wheel

    grace said:
    August 15, 2013 at 2:50 pm

    Distract them with something shiny? There are no words. <3

    Natalie B said:
    August 15, 2013 at 2:57 pm

    omg this is the sort of Q I was gna send in. Fun. Good answer. kinda :O xxx

    Emily said:
    August 15, 2013 at 3:04 pm

    you and your hollywood mates yeah?! hahaha.

    anthonyarchibold said:
    August 16, 2013 at 3:09 pm

    The fence as a measure mechanism…I can’t!!

    JW (@DrivelSheWrote) said:
    August 17, 2013 at 11:06 pm

    i tried imagining humming the bond theme while they were getting cosy w each other to see how it might work. It didn’t bc in my head, things actually got super hot, super fast. Wrong. So wrong.

    Miss Evelyn Woods said:
    September 21, 2013 at 4:38 pm

    You are so delightful… When are you getting your own radio show? You could so do radio with your humor. Great stuff!

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