How you know you’re in love
It’s meant to be a lovely emotion. But if you’re falling for someone who has no clue about your feelings you can start the long slow rolling snowball of emotional hell where tequila is your only friend. You might not even want to feel this way for the person; they might have a wife or a boyfriend or triplets or something. There are usually tell tale signs and if you find yourself doing any of the following, order a few shots, move to another country and change your identity. Subtle and not over dramatic is key.
You forget to eat
Being someone who likes food more than life and would rather be late for late for sex with Katherine Moenig than miss breakfast, I know somethings wrong if I forget to eat. If you’re not eating it shows you’re too distracted thinking about the girl to bother cooking, shopping or clawing at the discarded piece of cheese stuck to the bottom shelf. It also means you want to person more than you want food. So if you want a lady more than you want a strawberry slathered in chocolate with whipped cream on top, you’ve got it bad.
You want them to see you
When you’re swanning along the soho pavements in that skirt that makes your bum look peachy or your top that makes your boobs look like mangoes or wearing anything that makes any part of your body look like a piece of fruit, you want that person to see you. And you will go out your way to make sure they see you. If you know they’re going to be out, you turn up at that club. If they’re at the unicorn farm at the end of the rainbow, you’ll end up there swishing your hair at them. And when you look like a cherry kumquat pineapple, how could they possible resist you.
You spend more time getting ready
Oh the girl I like might be there? I better spend six hours getting my eyebrows just right and find some sort of delicious bra that screams out ‘motorboat me.’
You smile for no reason looking like a twat
If you’ve got love in your bones, you can’t help but smile. All the time. You may be at the dentist, you might be getting a messed up bikini wax with nail varnish remover strips, or you might call your boss mummy in front of the entire office. But you’ll be thinking of your lady with her white smile, in her bikini or doing her on your desk in the office, so you’ll be smiling.
You get jealous
If they have another love interest, another friend or a pet you get jealous. What do you mean she went on a date? What do you mean she went somewhere with her friends she’s known for nine years without me? What do you mean she went to have her fish put down and didn’t invite me along? These feelings get mental. And you’re not allowed to say them out loud. So the jealousy stays inside you and just intensifies. Like when you need a pee and it intensifies when you try and unlock your front door with your car key.
You feel like an awkward avocado
It’s always harder to hold a conversation with someone you have feelings for. You can’t look them in the eye, you come out with ridiculous words like ‘tonsils,’ and ‘panda,’ because you can’t think of anything else to fill the awkward silences and you feel that anything you start talking about will lead them to realize your love. ‘Well I can’t talk about the ferris wheel because then they’ll think that I want her to come on a ferris wheel with me and have sex on it. I won’t talk about the ferris wheel. Even though it was fucking amazing ferris wheel.’ By which time the girl would have walked off.
You miss them if they’re not there
If you get dressed up and they’re not around, you feel like you’ve wasted your day. ‘I put these yellow eyelashes and patterned dungarees on for nothing.’
You can’t concentrate on doing anything productive
This might be the reason you’re actually on this blog now. Because instead of marking work, finishing a report or washing your beanie babies, you’re looking for answers on Google. They will always be in your head and everything you think of will involve them. And if it gets worse you’ll start imagining situations and scenarios that throws you two together. Maybe you both go to a Carly Rae Jepson concert, then maybe your eyes meet over the song and she does decide to call you maybe and then you end up running barefoot across a meadow hand in hand.