Bad Sex Moves.
I choose to write this post after Valentines day because I’m gussing a lot of one night stands have gone down this week. It’s coming up to the day of love, you want someone, you think you might date them, but then you wake up in the morning and think, nahh, better not. It just happens. I mean one minute you’re out having a delightful time and the next minute, through no fault of your own, you have a naked girl on top of you.
So during this week there will have been some throwing your arms up wth glee sex, and then there will have been the cringy type that was so embarrassing it makes you want to keep your clothes on for the next two years.These are what I think are some of the annoying sex moves.
Ripping underwear off.
Yes, it can be really sexy when the passion is just so intense that you can’t just unclip the back of a bra or pull the pants down. But if you continuously rip the clothing, then your girl is going to run out of knickers and that is really not something you want to run out of. Especially if it’s a windy day. And also, she might have on her favourite knickers. Ones made from alençon lace died pink with a unicorn’s tear, or the ones with spiderman on the front. She might keep them folded up in a satin box ties up with ribbon and are only taken out on special occasions. Not something that she’s going to want ripped.
Awkward Clothing Removal
Roses are red, violets are blue, this bra clasp is a tricky but I have faith in you.
Before you get to the underwear bit you let the girl remove all your other clothes. Generally. But some things can be really awkward. Skinny jeans are the devil, a stiff belt buckle or a twisted bra clasp can be annoying and if you’ve got more than twelve buttons on your shirt it’s like waiting for a watched pot to boil before you can do anything. If you know that something on you is awkward don’t just lie back and let her fiddle, break her nails or do the nervous laugh thing, just sort the thing yourself and then get on with it. Or on her.
It’s really not hard. It’s as easy as a colouring book for ages 2 to 3. If they’re not short, it hurts. And if they’re fake they can get lost. Theres just no need to spend time digging around looking for it afterwards.
Not dirty talk, dirty talk can be good. It’s when the conversation takes a turn for the unsexy. You can be talking about being naked, what you’re going to do to each other, what you plan to eat off each other and then suddenly one of you says ‘Speaking of kitchens, did you see that new mop they’ve just brought out that doesn’t need water?’
Sometimes good, mainly bad, and always ugly. If you’re falling asleep while kissing someone you’re probably too drunk to think about going any further. You think the morning after a one night stand is awkward? Imagine the conversation about how you were so bored you fell asleep on top of her. Mortifying. You won’t even be able to ask her for help in locating your pants.
‘How does this feel?’ is a perfectly appropriate question. Asking every time you move a cm or shuffle your leg to the left a little is not. Just get on with it. It’s sex and not a game of Trivial Pursuits.
This will probably be part one of 348 billion. Am I moody this week? Maybe. This seems like a moody post. I’ll go find some sort of delicious pastry and calm the fuck down.