Friday Sex Talk

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Bad Sex Moves.

I choose to write this post after Valentines day because I’m gussing a lot of one night stands have gone down this week. It’s coming up to the day of love, you want someone, you think you might date them, but then you wake up in the morning and think, nahh, better not. It just happens. I mean one minute you’re out having a delightful time and the next minute, through no fault of your own, you have a naked girl on top of you.

So during this week there will have been some throwing your arms up wth glee sex, and then there will have been the cringy type that was so embarrassing it makes you want to keep your clothes on for the next two years.These are what I think are some of the annoying sex moves.

Ripping underwear off.

Yes, it can be really sexy when the passion is just so intense that you can’t just unclip the back of a bra or pull the pants down. But if you continuously rip the clothing, then your girl is going to run out of knickers and that is really not something you want to run out of. Especially if it’s a windy day. And also, she might have on her favourite knickers. Ones made from alençon  lace died pink with a unicorn’s tear, or the ones with spiderman on the front. She might keep them folded up in a satin box ties up with ribbon and are only taken out on special occasions. Not something that she’s going to want  ripped.

Awkward Clothing Removal

Roses are red, violets are blue, this bra clasp is a tricky but I have faith in you.

Before you get to the underwear bit you let the girl remove all your other clothes. Generally. But some things can be really awkward. Skinny jeans are the devil, a stiff belt buckle or a twisted bra clasp can be annoying and if you’ve got more than  twelve buttons on your shirt it’s like waiting for a watched pot to boil before you can do anything. If you know that something on you is awkward don’t just lie back and let her fiddle, break her nails or do the nervous laugh thing, just sort the thing yourself and then get on with it. Or on her.

Fake Nails.

It’s really not hard. It’s as easy as a colouring book for ages 2 to 3. If they’re not short, it hurts. And if they’re fake they can get lost. Theres just no need to spend time digging around looking for it afterwards.

Pointless Talking

Not dirty talk, dirty talk can be good. It’s when the conversation takes a turn for the unsexy. You can be talking about being naked, what you’re going to do to each other, what you plan to eat off each other and then suddenly one of you says ‘Speaking of kitchens, did you see that new mop they’ve just brought out that doesn’t need water?’

Drunk Sex

Sometimes good, mainly bad, and always ugly. If you’re falling asleep while kissing someone you’re probably too drunk to think about going any further. You think the morning after a one night stand is awkward? Imagine the conversation about how you were so bored you fell asleep on top of her. Mortifying. You won’t even be able to ask her for help in locating your pants.


‘How does this feel?’ is a perfectly appropriate question. Asking every time you move a cm or shuffle your leg to the left a little is not. Just get on with it. It’s sex and not a game of Trivial Pursuits.

This will probably be part one of 348 billion. Am I moody this week? Maybe. This seems like a moody post. I’ll go find some sort of delicious pastry and calm the fuck down.

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15 thoughts on “Friday Sex Talk

    Cami said:
    February 15, 2013 at 1:10 pm

    I HATE the questions thing. Yes I’m fine get on with it!!

    Shackled and Crowned said:
    February 15, 2013 at 1:18 pm

    Yes. Delicious pastry always makes the night before bearable.
    Great post. Kept me laughing and giggling through my coffeetime.

      Tom said:
      February 15, 2013 at 1:28 pm

      I want a delicious pastry!! Haaaa

    Maya said:
    February 15, 2013 at 1:21 pm

    ha no its not moody it’s true :) the underwear thing especially :P

    Jackie said:
    February 15, 2013 at 1:29 pm

    Did you like do any of these then this week Effi>?! LOL.

    Holly said:
    February 15, 2013 at 1:34 pm

    This is one of yyour funniest. And the one I’ve agreed with the most. The fiddly button thing for sure. And the fake nails? Damn it’s annoying!

    Lisa said:
    February 15, 2013 at 1:42 pm

    Oh the shame of falling asleep. Or worse, them falling alseep on u. ughhh.

    Eliza said:
    February 15, 2013 at 1:52 pm

    ha best roses are red poem ever!

    Al said:
    February 15, 2013 at 11:29 pm

    Moves that require you to be some sort of yoga master… my fricking leg doesn’t bend that way get off! Lol.

      effimai responded:
      February 16, 2013 at 12:14 pm

      Ah yes! That will go in part two!!x

        Anonymous said:
        February 16, 2013 at 2:50 pm

        Excellent! Go to town on that one – it’s my least favourite move! ever! x

    jen said:
    February 16, 2013 at 12:14 pm

    Theres just too many bad moves that people can do..!

    youreallydontwanttoknow said:
    February 16, 2013 at 2:01 pm

    Nice :-)

    ayemiy said:
    February 20, 2013 at 1:38 am

    There are few things worse than finding a mysterious, ownerless false nail in your bed.

    Samantha Dresden said:
    May 2, 2013 at 6:47 pm


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