Friday Sex Talk

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Porn. Again.

This has been the most requested Friday Sex Talk ever and it’s because you’re all filthy minded people who like to read posts on porn. I love it. So this is Porn part two. And this is a fairy bubbles rainbow of happiness list of all the things that I, and probably many other people have learnt by watching porn.

Women have no body hair at all. Holy shit there is no hair at all. All women must be like that. No. Some women really like they’re places to be hairy and if they do, you’re going to have to be ok wth it.  All the hair that these porn stars have shaved off their bodies is made into the extensions that they wear on their head. Fact.

When a girl gets touched even slightly in her vagina she orgasms. This also goes for girls who get hit in their fanny with a whip. If anyone, and I mean anyone, and that includes Natalie Portman, hit me in my rude sensitive bits with a whip, banana or candle they would get slapped in the face with a floral lamp. Yes it’s nice to be touched but if anyone makes a noise like a whale getting tickled when one finger has barely touched them then they’re either a, faking it, b, faking it, or c, they’re just very excited about the whole situation and they’re faking it.

Lesbians aren’t real lesbians and will do stuff to each other but only until the order of cock arrives. If I was in the middle of a passionate embrace and a man walked in with a sausage looking thing and wanted to wade on in between us he would probably, just a little bit, sort of be killed.

Women wear heels to bed. All the time. It is so comfortable you would not believe. Instead of chucking on a onesie I like to put on eight inch stilettos to be fucked by an eight incher while the man with the I-wish-I-had-an-eight-incher stands there watching.

Going down on a woman for seven seconds is ok. Going down on someone takes time, effort, patience, sometimes alcohol and chocolate flavoured lube too. You take your time down there and do the job properly, it’s not a quick lick around. Think of it as your house when your parents are visiting and you’re hoovering. A quick whip around won’t work. You have to really get into all the nooks and crannies and clean all the corners. So to speak.

If you’re having a quick wank session somewhere and someone comes across you, you won’t be embarrassed at all and you’ll want them to immediately have sex with you.  This always makes me laugh. ‘Oh yes, I’m just masturbating in this library because books makes me so horny and you’ve seen me with my knickers around my ankles and now I want you to fuck me and whack me on my arse with a plant pot’.

Women are so surprised to see a cock when they zip open men’s trousers. Once the lesbians have had their ‘fun’ and it’s time for the ‘real’ fucking then the ‘lesbians’ will take down the man’s trousers and be like WOW, there’s a penis in there. I don’t know what they were expecting, maybe a hamster springing out playing an accordion.

All women who have pigtails are teenagers. ‘Watch this Teen being fucked in every hole’ that type of thing. Yeah that ‘teen’ is actually thirty seven and has stretch marks but yeah, still a teenager.

The women who are older than sixty are MILFS. You know, when I look at a seventy year old who’s wearing a pink boob tube, standing in her living room with strewn about dolls that her granddaughters have been playing with, licking her lips and stroking herself, my absolute immediate thought is, I need to have sex with her.

If you’re a school pupil there will be no consequences at all if you have a gangbang with your teachers and headmistress. Doing this will never get them in jail, you will get through school easily and you will never have to work to get an A again because all you need to do is pout, push your tits up and fuck them with a can of hairspray.

If a mechanic, a plumber, a carpenter or a dentist turns up at your house they won’t be the bald fat men that we all know and love who eat our digestives and slurp on tea while shaking their head at your broken washing machine, but will be hot fit women. Ones who wear heels to work aswell as bed and put tight dresses on so when they bend over we see they’re not wearing any underwear and have a tattoo on their arse that reads I love Dave and hate my dad.

Women love to be taken advantage of. Chuck a sack over her head, call her a whore, slap her tits and she will smile pleasantly through the whole thing.

Women love being dressed up as a bird. Hawkward.

There is never any need for a condom. It’s amazing. These pigtailed, boob tube wearing women are incapable of catching crabs, the clap or getting knocked up. Unless you’ve seen the porn film ‘labour’ but I can’t think about that with things going in and things coming out without wanting to throw up my internal organs.

Every single woman likes things jammed up her arse.

So yeah. That’s my list of things I’ve learnt by watching any sort of porn. If you have your own amazing moments of clarity about sex because of porn then please comment below.

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21 thoughts on “Friday Sex Talk

    natalie said:
    September 7, 2012 at 9:20 am

    yes! Ha so funy. x

    Tami said:
    September 7, 2012 at 9:21 am

    yeah when a girl gets touched slightly she is off cumming all the over the place! ridiculous!!

    Fleur said:
    September 7, 2012 at 9:22 am

    a ‘i love dave and hate my dad tatoo’ haha. Yes and very true article. So many things that people see on the screen especially as a teen must really mess them up when it comes to the real thing!

    catherine h said:
    September 7, 2012 at 9:29 am

    women love getting jizzed in their face. All the time. That happens a lot! So untrue. Great blog.

    Gill said:
    September 7, 2012 at 9:32 am

    “maybe a hamster springing out playing an accordion.” hahahahahah oh my god hilarious!

    lisa said:
    September 7, 2012 at 9:34 am

    no never a condom, strange that!

    Connor said:
    September 7, 2012 at 9:35 am

    I find it hilarious when a man is always rock solid, no matter how ugly the girls are and how pain stakingly obvious it is that they are not turned on at all. Fab article.

    Hannah said:
    September 7, 2012 at 9:45 am

    But when they’re not turned on connor, they spit on them! ewwwwwwwwwwww.

    Dara said:
    September 7, 2012 at 9:56 am

    This is such a funny great site :) x

    Maeve said:
    September 7, 2012 at 12:26 pm

    ahahah alll so true!!

    Nina said:
    September 7, 2012 at 6:42 pm

    Hahahahahah just so funny :) I love your writing you’ll go farx

    Tae said:
    September 7, 2012 at 6:44 pm

    when are you going to do another vlog??

    Jessbecause said:
    September 8, 2012 at 12:06 am

    The started putting women in heels because the bottoms of their feet were so dirty from walking around the filthy studio between shoots. Fun facts you learn from friends who were sex workers.

      effimai responded:
      September 8, 2012 at 11:49 am

      amazing info!! :)

    Charlie 'mum' Harper said:
    September 8, 2012 at 1:26 am

    ‘Women love being dressed up as a bird. Hawkward.’
    Actually spat my coffee all over my keyboard.
    …You owe me a new keyboard. =D

      effimai responded:
      September 8, 2012 at 11:48 am

      Oh I hate it wren that happens. Give it a nest I was just winging it. Owl buy you a new one. :D

    Claire said:
    September 8, 2012 at 11:49 am

    Hahahah omg the bird puns above are hilarious!

    Fancyface said:
    September 9, 2012 at 11:49 pm

    I learnt that all Fanny’s look identical, all very neat and not a turkey neck amongst them! How untrue!!
    X

    keep your youth forever said:
    September 14, 2012 at 8:01 am

    Oh my god. This completely made my day. You are hilarious. Thank you.

      effimai responded:
      September 14, 2012 at 11:29 am

      Ha thank you :D E x

    Anonymous said:
    March 16, 2013 at 3:29 am

    Trying to snort quietly at 3:30am…love you effi xx

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