Friday Sex Talk

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Public Fucking

This wasn’t going to be my Sex Talk this week but while having a conversation in the pub earlier I feel the need to write about it. So my friend who will not be named for reasons that will become clear in a minute and I had a chat that went like this.

Me – I can’t wait for Manchester Pride
Friend – Yes! I’m going to pull a girl every night.
Me – You’re staying with me so please don’t…
Friend – No I won’t take them back I’ll just have them there and then.
Me – Where are you planning on ‘having them?’
Friend – Toilet, street, pool table, anywhere I can

So ladies this week my topic is public sex and what you can get away with when there are people around or you may get caught at any moment.

If you’re used to having sex with the doors, windows and cupboards all locked and you don’t even like if the cat is in the same room then it can be a terrifying experience even thinking about doing it in public. But the thought of getting caught turns a lot of people on, like it’s dangerous and they could get in trouble.

So princess faces let’s talk about what you shouldn’t do. Doing it in a park is fine, doing it in a play park is not. Note the difference. Doing it where there are kids around is not only sick and weird but if a person under twelve sees any sort of sex happening, they will turn into a slug. True story. So if you don’t want to take a dried out slug home to his parents to explain what happened then stay away from any kid filled places.

Secondly, have a little respect and don’t do it in a religious place or in a graveyard. If you’re actually having sex with a vicar then that’s your own twisted problem. And if start having majestical hair pulling bum slapping sex in a cemetery it’s not very fair. Because you’re only reminding all the ghosts there that they can’t do that anymore and they’ll get all annoyed that their floaty fingers are passing through their vaginas and will haunt you for the rest of your life. And also might kill you and wear your skin to their birthday party.

And one last thing to remember is that if you get caught, you can get charged with wordy-birdy things like indecent exposure and no one needs that court letter popping through their door of a morning when they’re trying to eat their weetabix in peace.

Try and dress appropriately. I don’t mean go out with a whip in your hand and a strap-on in your knickers but have the words ‘easy access’ in your head when you go out. Yes chinos look good, and yes they may be the beautiful colour of shrek on a winter’s day, and yes you’re bum might look humpable in them but they are the most difficult things to get off ever. And so are dungarees. And playsuits. And morph suits.

For first time public placers, maybe first try an enclosed place such as a bathroom of a club or aeroplane. You can still have the thrill but yet have a bit of time to stop what you’re doing and fix your makeup and thong before anyone suspects. Be wary of bathrooms though as they can be a bit plaster-floating-in-the-pool-disgusting in some places.

And speaking of pools this is also a good place to do it. Not in your local swimming baths where the old ladies swim up and down the lanes frowning of a Tuesday but somewhere far away or somewhere hot. The water can hide what you’re doing for the most part and it’s easy access as you only have your rainbow bikini on. The sea is better but again somewhere faraway as it can really ruin the mood when you’re so cold that your vagina has shrunk and there are bits of seagull shit floating past.

The woods is a good place but if you live in the middle of a city, that’s a bit difficult. You don’t want to spend most of the day travelling to find some woods and then collapse exhausted on the wrong type of bush. The good thing however is that there are trees to hide you and lots of things to lean on or against. The bad points include murderers always hide in woods, dead bodies are always hidden in woods, you might get lost and squirrels might throw acorns at you.

Wherever you decide to get oh la la la la frisky then make sure you’re comfortable. If you’re a lesbian you have the advantage that you can discreetly do it without having to wack out a big schlong and upsetting people. And please take full advantage of the commenting below and let us know the most daring place you’ve done it. And if you’re in manchester Pride this weekend, maybe stay away from my friend. Or totally go for it and have sex on the ‘Toilet, street, pool table, anywhere you can.’

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29 thoughts on “Friday Sex Talk

    Jade said:
    August 24, 2012 at 11:07 am

    You say the most random things omg! Funny though. And true :-D The squrrel throwing acorns must really ruin the mood.

    Catherine said:
    August 24, 2012 at 11:08 am

    Doing it in a play park is not.This made me giggle. Good post as per. love Friday sex talk x

    Jen said:
    August 24, 2012 at 11:13 am

    Didn’t you say on your other post youd done it in a garage?! This constitutes as public right!

    Molly said:
    August 24, 2012 at 11:14 am

    I’ve done it in a field once, and got caught by the farmer., BAD TIMES. This made me laugh a lot. xx

    Annet said:
    August 24, 2012 at 11:14 am

    shop changing rooms are good. because you’re both girls no one looks at you going in together it’s epic!

    I said:
    August 24, 2012 at 11:20 am

    This is the most random thing I’ve ever read!

    Anonymous said:
    August 24, 2012 at 11:21 am

    I will be having sex in and on and all over manc pride!

    Kara said:
    August 24, 2012 at 11:22 am

    Your writing is just hialrious. and oretty good advice for someone who hasnt yet done it in public. I think it must be a really good way to spice things up. and yes being lesbians is easier so you don’t have to fumble that much!

    Jac said:
    August 24, 2012 at 11:23 am

    what was going to be your sex talk before? Love this xxxx

    Rose said:
    August 24, 2012 at 11:24 am

    I want to meet your friend!

    Maya said:
    August 24, 2012 at 11:24 am

    Will hopefully see you in pride effi!!

    Anonymous said:
    August 24, 2012 at 11:29 am

    Haha! Brilliant… Oh god I’m blushing at the thought of some of these places! As for the “easy access” thing… It’s very true, skinny jeans and body con skirts have to be worse than chinos/dungerees though!! As a femme lesbian anytime I wear a dress out I get teased for being “easy access” though, therefore nearly spat out my tea when I read it :P

    Claire Jones said:
    August 24, 2012 at 11:30 am

    “collapse on the wrong type of bush” cue me laughing for like six hours. So brilliant.

    AllThatGlitters said:
    August 24, 2012 at 11:32 am

    The above “anonymous” comment was me by the way… I don’t know why it posted as anonymous… Damn technology.

    Kate said:
    August 24, 2012 at 11:43 am

    We’l come and say hi in pride!!! Hope to see you!

    november said:
    August 24, 2012 at 12:32 pm

    Parks at night are suitable for first timers, I graduated to tourist attractions, managed to subtly get my other half off on a crowed train once too…. Ahhh memories….

    B said:
    August 24, 2012 at 2:35 pm

    This is so funny. Love this blog.

    Anonymous said:
    August 24, 2012 at 4:19 pm

    introduce me to your friend x

    Anonymous said:
    August 24, 2012 at 5:20 pm

    On a carousel at this vintage fair in France! It said ‘fun ride’…I couldn’t resist!

    Maeve said:
    August 24, 2012 at 6:41 pm

    I was having some late-night drunken al fresco fun on a beach in Majorca last summer when an elderly man approached our sun lounger and shone a torch on our naked bodies. My face went so red I’m pretty sure it outshone his torch.

      effimai responded:
      August 28, 2012 at 3:14 pm

      Oh cringe. Old man too. Not so lovely…x

    Rachel said:
    August 25, 2012 at 2:28 am

    I had sex at a Girl Scout camp. With my co-worker turned 1st girlfriend. While campers were walking around. It was AWESOME!

      effimai responded:
      August 28, 2012 at 3:13 pm

      I think this one is my favourite :)

    Roxxroxx said:
    August 25, 2012 at 3:42 am

    Great post! My thruppence: Somehow, in a London park during a long summer evening. Also in a cinema. Also in the woods at night. I’m very conservative these days though now I’m married and pregnant and everything! Can’t quite believe that was me!

      effimai responded:
      August 28, 2012 at 3:13 pm

      ha thats fab :) Its always good looking back at wild things you did. And congratulations :) xx

    Storm M. Silvermane said:
    August 28, 2012 at 11:14 am

    Absolutely entertaining. Let’s see I had sex in a pasture along a pond, only ones who could see us were the horses lol.. was worried one of them would come to investigate. Also had sex in the freezing snow in the mountains of Colorado. Well it wasn’t feeling very cold at the time. Oh btw.. snow suits are not easy access justsayin…

      effimai responded:
      August 28, 2012 at 3:12 pm

      Well tbf theyre quite exotic places! snow mountains must have been cool, although freezing :D x

    Eleri said:
    September 1, 2012 at 1:17 am

    Train station…? Trains take SO LONG around here :D

      effimai responded:
      September 1, 2012 at 12:09 pm

      Hahahah yes this is true! :)

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