This wasn’t going to be my Sex Talk this week but while having a conversation in the pub earlier I feel the need to write about it. So my friend who will not be named for reasons that will become clear in a minute and I had a chat that went like this.
Me – I can’t wait for Manchester Pride
Friend – Yes! I’m going to pull a girl every night.
Me – You’re staying with me so please don’t…
Friend – No I won’t take them back I’ll just have them there and then.
Me – Where are you planning on ‘having them?’
Friend – Toilet, street, pool table, anywhere I can
So ladies this week my topic is public sex and what you can get away with when there are people around or you may get caught at any moment.
If you’re used to having sex with the doors, windows and cupboards all locked and you don’t even like if the cat is in the same room then it can be a terrifying experience even thinking about doing it in public. But the thought of getting caught turns a lot of people on, like it’s dangerous and they could get in trouble.
So princess faces let’s talk about what you shouldn’t do. Doing it in a park is fine, doing it in a play park is not. Note the difference. Doing it where there are kids around is not only sick and weird but if a person under twelve sees any sort of sex happening, they will turn into a slug. True story. So if you don’t want to take a dried out slug home to his parents to explain what happened then stay away from any kid filled places.
Secondly, have a little respect and don’t do it in a religious place or in a graveyard. If you’re actually having sex with a vicar then that’s your own twisted problem. And if start having majestical hair pulling bum slapping sex in a cemetery it’s not very fair. Because you’re only reminding all the ghosts there that they can’t do that anymore and they’ll get all annoyed that their floaty fingers are passing through their vaginas and will haunt you for the rest of your life. And also might kill you and wear your skin to their birthday party.
And one last thing to remember is that if you get caught, you can get charged with wordy-birdy things like indecent exposure and no one needs that court letter popping through their door of a morning when they’re trying to eat their weetabix in peace.
Try and dress appropriately. I don’t mean go out with a whip in your hand and a strap-on in your knickers but have the words ‘easy access’ in your head when you go out. Yes chinos look good, and yes they may be the beautiful colour of shrek on a winter’s day, and yes you’re bum might look humpable in them but they are the most difficult things to get off ever. And so are dungarees. And playsuits. And morph suits.
For first time public placers, maybe first try an enclosed place such as a bathroom of a club or aeroplane. You can still have the thrill but yet have a bit of time to stop what you’re doing and fix your makeup and thong before anyone suspects. Be wary of bathrooms though as they can be a bit plaster-floating-in-the-pool-disgusting in some places.
And speaking of pools this is also a good place to do it. Not in your local swimming baths where the old ladies swim up and down the lanes frowning of a Tuesday but somewhere far away or somewhere hot. The water can hide what you’re doing for the most part and it’s easy access as you only have your rainbow bikini on. The sea is better but again somewhere faraway as it can really ruin the mood when you’re so cold that your vagina has shrunk and there are bits of seagull shit floating past.
The woods is a good place but if you live in the middle of a city, that’s a bit difficult. You don’t want to spend most of the day travelling to find some woods and then collapse exhausted on the wrong type of bush. The good thing however is that there are trees to hide you and lots of things to lean on or against. The bad points include murderers always hide in woods, dead bodies are always hidden in woods, you might get lost and squirrels might throw acorns at you.
Wherever you decide to get oh la la la la frisky then make sure you’re comfortable. If you’re a lesbian you have the advantage that you can discreetly do it without having to wack out a big schlong and upsetting people. And please take full advantage of the commenting below and let us know the most daring place you’ve done it. And if you’re in manchester Pride this weekend, maybe stay away from my friend. Or totally go for it and have sex on the ‘Toilet, street, pool table, anywhere you can.’