Figuring it out

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With the fight for gay marriage still happening all over the world, we’re hearing more and more that gay people choose to be gay. Which frustrates me more than having no chocolate in the house and makes me want to throw ketchup over the people who say it. They need to stop saying it. And get the scissors, and cut it the fuck out.

There are many theories as to why people are gay but a choice isn’t one of them. You think at fifteen, living in a small village in Wales I suddenly thought, you know what would make my life that bit much harder? Choosing to like girls. I was already GINGER and HAD BRACES. Why would I want to make my life more of living hell in school than it was already?

No theories have been proved one hundred per cent accurate. Some people think you’re born with that particular gene. The ‘homosexual gene.’ It’s something to do with exposure to higher than usual levels of oestrogen or testosterone in the womb when you’re about the size of a plum. This is meant to be a good indicator of where you’re going to fall on the gay scale.

But many other cases have shown this was untrue by showcasing twins where one is gay and the other isn’t. So if biology was behind all the pink and glitter then both twins should carry that gene. Another theory is that you become gay. So your lifestyle and your upbringing determines if you will be or not. A father who believed that his brother had ‘become’ homosexual because he had been allowed to play like a girl and had grown up without strong bonding with their father tried to make very sure that his son did not grow up gay. So he spent a lot of time with him and made sure that he only played ‘boy’ games with ‘boy’ toys. In spite of all this effort, the son also turned out to be gay. This wouldn’t make sense for me either as I had twenty eight barbies, a pink doll house and always wore dresses that I didn’t like to get dirty.

Alfred Kinsey did some research in the 1950s and determined that most individuals are not exclusively homosexual or heterosexual but fall somewhere in between the two.  So the people that are charging at us with pointy sticks and banners that read ‘Homo sex is sin,’ may well have a crush on their next door neighbour Ronald.

This is where the phrase ‘Gay until graduation,’ comes from. Where girls and boys drink beer from their little paper cups and then think that they’ll try something different. Or they’ll wake up morning with a traffic cone on their head and no underwear on with their best friend. It can happen. I’m told. But these people often go back to what they know after college and live their hetro lives.

People can figure out their sexual orientation at different parts of their lives. Some will deny it, and be untrue to themselves because they don’t want to be an ‘outcast,’ or be any different. But then realize one day when they’re husband and two point four kids don’t suit them and they are wishing for a life full of cats. Some will take to being who they are a be very happy. It took me a little while, but after downing shots of tequila and sleeping with my boss, things didn’t seem so bad.

But the long winded point that I’m trying to make is that you don’t choose. You don’t wake up one morning and then say ‘Today is going to be a gay day,’ while eating your coco pops. How annoying corduroy-wearing-hairy-covered uneducated people don’t understand this is ridiculous beyond belief.

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13 thoughts on “Figuring it out

    yourstylejourney said:
    March 21, 2012 at 12:12 am

    Yeah I’ve seen this plenty of times in my friend circle as well, I think it’s curiosity a lot of the time, or an overwhelming amount of attention(a different kind than that of a man) that they’re not used too and they like it. I have also seen women with a “real’ interest and attraction for another woman but after a while they can’t “handle” the lifestyle of sneaking around not being able to be “out”. Sounds crazy to me, I kinda forced my family to accept my coming out. I told them I was gay and I love them I expected the same love in return and if they were not ok with that then I was okay with not seeing them ever again. In my case things turned out pretty well, my mom freaked a bit at first but is fine now. I’ve just come to the conclusion that life is WAY too short to sneak around and not be true to myself.

      effimai responded:
      March 23, 2012 at 5:16 pm

      Very well said! I told my parents and that was it, they had to accept it! Thank you for the comment and for reading my blog x

    Lucy said:
    August 15, 2012 at 4:43 pm

    Proper rant this one Effi!! Very good thugh!

    Hanna said:
    August 15, 2012 at 4:45 pm

    Ughhhhh yes heard this so many times. ‘Well don’t choose to be a lesbian then..’

    Penny said:
    August 15, 2012 at 4:48 pm

    brilliant article once again!

    pinkagendist said:
    August 15, 2012 at 5:56 pm

    Wow a gingerly braced welsh lesbian :D You should do comedy!
    I approach it from a different direction, even if it’s a choice, then it would be MY CHOICE- certainly not a choice any crazy religious person would be allowed to make for me ;)

      effimai responded:
      August 15, 2012 at 6:02 pm

      Actually that makes a lot of sense! Yes thank God I don’t have braces anymore but yes still ginger, and still Welsh. Sigh.

    Oli said:
    August 15, 2012 at 6:03 pm

    annoying corduroy-wearing-hairy-covered uneducated people. LOL

    sophie said:
    August 23, 2012 at 8:18 pm

    I think this concept of choice was introduced to move way from the idea that being a lesbian was an affliction or a curse. I don’t mind it. Why wouldn’t you choose to be a lovely lesbian. As with most interesting stuff, a queer inter-play between nurture and nature is where it gets fun, a strange yet graceful dance, and I’m not sure who leads.

    Shannon said:
    September 6, 2012 at 10:10 pm

    I went for an interview for a new job yesterday, and beforehand my mom asked me if there was anything on Facebook showing my “choices”. Later that day I asked her to please not refer to my sexuality as a choice because it’s offensive– I asked if she woke up every day and chooses to be hetero. She said yes, she does choose to be that way. I was stunned! I said, “So you’re attracted to women and choose not to act on it?” and she said “Yes.” I just said “Well, okay.” and waked away because I was too stunned to reply.

    Now, I know if I had pressed the matter further and asked if she wanted to kiss women, she would probably have said absolutely no. But this is an interesting twist on this matter, for when it comes up again in the future.
    What she meant to say is, “Although women are attractive, we should choose to not engage in physical love with them because God says its wrong.”
    What I heard is, “I am attracted to women but I suppress it because the Bible says to and because I’m married.”
    I am not religious or married, however, so these reasons hold no merit for me.

    For me, the point is, yes, sexuality holds some level of choice– I choose to conduct myself in a sexually ethical manner, I choose to have safe sex, I choose who I am going to have sex with and sort of choose how often– but having control over these choices does not mean that therefore I can choose to be attracted to men all the time. I am bisexual, and I fall in love with a *person*– and as anybody can tell you, YOU DON’T CHOOSE WHO YOU FALL IN LOVE WITH.

      effimai responded:
      September 6, 2012 at 10:40 pm

      Wow. Well fuck. My God. You cannot choose who you fall in love with. it doesnt work like that. But my God you’re mum must have been really close to acting on her feelings if she’s so so against you ‘choosing’ to be that way. I hope it gets better in some way. E xx

    Ellie said:
    September 17, 2012 at 6:20 pm

    I always thought it weird how people would think homosexuals choose to like people of the same gender. When someone once told me “Of course it’s a choice! Your life has only gotten better after you chose to be this way” (I’m fifteen, lesbian, completely open and have no family problems), this was my reply:

    “Ever since I was a little girl I always paid more attention to the pretty girls in films, class, on the street or music videos. I’ve always been more attracted to girls than boys, and if you think I recently “chose” to like girls, then explain why none of the heterosexual relationships I forced myself into because of the group pressure never worked out, and why I cringe when I think about a penis. And yeah, sure, my life is absolutely faaaaaabulous, but I know people whose lives suck. If sexuality really was a choice, then I think people would choose the option where family, friends and society doesn’t turn their back on them.”

    For the next thirty seconds, there was an awkward silence during which I realised that homophobes really have no brains. Then my wonderful and also flamboyantly gay friend flipped him off, walked me away with a smile and said over his shoulder “My pink nail polish, earrings and otherwise feminine appearance is a choice, my desire to fuck my boyfriend up the ass is not.” Then the magical yesss-I-sure-showed-that-no-brainer was over and we laughed our asses off.

    But yeah, none of my gay friends ever said it was a choice. One of them once decided to declare that we’re all aliens, which explains the higher level of intelligence, the alien sex toys and the androgyny amongst some of us. And if upbringing and childhood is the reason, then with all my forced relationships with guys all my heterosexual friends talking about their “perfect man”, it would make no sense that hairy legs make me scream and boobs are my favourite stress balls.

      Effi responded:
      December 28, 2012 at 1:45 am

      wow you’re an amazing writer :) You should get your own blog. And what a story, how can some people think that like that? its crazy! Really love how you write. So sorry it’s taken so long to reply I’ve just seen the comment. Thank you for it :) E xx

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