Friday Sex Talk

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Cervical Screening

Yes this might sound boring ladies. And normally I write articles about having or how to have digging-your-nails-into-their-back hot throwing-your-head-back-in-ecstasy sex. But if you don’t take care of your bits then you won’t be having any of that sex. None at all. So let us move on.

First I will say that horrible C word that is, cancer. And an even worse C word than that is, wait for it,  ‘cervix’. It sounds like something you would use to clean a loo with but this is an important part of the whole women body thing. If you have received a lovely little letter from your GP telling you it’s time for a cervical screening did you A) Put the letter in the bin. B) Put it down on your dresser, find it six months later and then feed it to the cat. Or did you C) go and get one. I’m going to guess that it was either A or B. And if it was A, shame on you, at least feeding your pets with it is recycling.

‘Cervical cancer kills around 900 women a year and a high proportion of these women identify as lesbian or bisexual.’ So if your friend, your therapist or your postman told you that you didn’t need one because you can only get the cancer from sleeping with men then they get a F in lesbian health class. I know I tell you ladies to do a lot of things. Calm down and play with crayons, wear shocking lipstick to try and pull and but if you haven’t listened to anything else I’ve said, listen to this. It is vitally important to get a cervical screening now.

Cervical screenings are not that bad. I like to give my in depth knowledge and slave away reviewing sex toys and trying out flirting tips for my articles. This article was no different. So off I trotted, to see my GP to see how the whole thing panned out.

First off, I will point out that I am currently living in Wales and so you do have to travel miles to get to a hospital. Good job we don’t need them in emergencies right. And that in Wales you get summoned to a test from the age of twenty. It’s higher in other parts of the UK. So I got called into the nurse’s office and she explained every little detail of what she was going to do which made me feel very comfortable and not nervous as I had been. I mean she talked about everything. Even down to taking my underwear off. I may have imagined or fantasized about the last bit.

What they use to hold you open so to speak is a little cold but you really don’t feel anything apart from that. They use a spatula to take sample cells from the surface in there. Not the type you fry eggs with but a tiny little one that you hardly feel. Which was a relief. I had visions of them shoving loads of stuff up there, all the metal tools  having a little party up there and the procedure lasting hours and hours. It’s literally dib dab dub and you’re done. And you get the result in around two weeks.

There is nothing to worry about at all. The only thing I actually worried about was that the nurse was very extremely Megan Fox lookalike hot. And I thought I might show that I liked her a little too much if you know what I mean. Go for a screening, it takes hardly any of your time and it’s always better to be safe than sorry. Think of the hot sex you might miss out on. And as a small bonus, you might have saved your life.

The things you should know

1. Yes the risk is a little teeny weeny bit lower for lesbians. But the virus can be carried for years without anyone noticing. And if you’re girl has been with one of those horrible man things then you can just as easily get it.

2. If you have pain during or after sex, bleeding or a lot of you have an unpleasant smelling discharge in your knick knacks then it’s best to get checked out. The high chance is it will be something else like you’re just having very rough sex or you’ve forgotten that you have a period once a month.

3. If you’re concerned at all about what’s going on down below then visit your GP. I get a biscuit every time I go and see mine and that’s worth the journey really. Especially if he has party rings in.

4. To find out more check out these wonderful people. http://lgf.org.uk/screening  – They are the people who emailed me about writing this post and told me all this information. Download their fabulous guide which has fun facts, information and fit nurses in it. Give it a read while having breakfast instead of reading the sugar contents on yoru cereal box.

Have a look around their site as it is very helpful. And tell everyone from your mum to your lesbian friends to your secret lover that you keep in your wardrobe that they should be getting a screening every three years.

Spread the word to get lesbians to spread their legs for a cervical screening.

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18 thoughts on “Friday Sex Talk

    Emily said:
    August 3, 2012 at 10:53 am

    Omg this is an amazing article. I didn’t know half the stuff. and I alsways for my sins ignore the letters. This is scary too. x

    Belle said:
    August 3, 2012 at 10:53 am

    Brilliant article Effi. And you manage to make a topic like this really funny xxx

    Sadie said:
    August 3, 2012 at 10:54 am

    And an even worse C word than that is, wait for it, ‘cervix’. It sounds like something you would use to clean a loo with but this is an important part of the whole women body thing. – omg had me pissing myself laughing. Truly brilliant writing.

    Ann said:
    August 3, 2012 at 10:58 am

    I had visions of them shoving loads of stuff up there, all the metal tools having a little party up there and the procedure lasting hours and hours hahahahahahahah hilariousn xx

    Claire said:
    August 3, 2012 at 10:59 am

    very imformative, but also entertaining.

    Fiona said:
    August 3, 2012 at 11:00 am

    And I thought I might show that I liked her a little too much if you know what I mean. – omg this is so funny. Haha fab article.

    Andrew said:
    August 3, 2012 at 11:01 am

    aw a post that GENUINELY doesnt concern me. God damn. Funny though :D

    Bea said:
    August 3, 2012 at 11:02 am

    Wonderful post. Love it.

    JayJay said:
    August 3, 2012 at 11:03 am

    Wow I’m actually really shocked at the stuff on this. Cant belive you can actually get it if you’re a gay lady. This word needs to be spread around!!

    Carys said:
    August 3, 2012 at 11:04 am

    Spread the word to get lesbians to spread their legs for a cervical screening.” what an amazing tag line!

    Gill said:
    August 3, 2012 at 11:06 am

    This is such an important issue Im so glad you’ve wrote about. Hopefully more women will get on it. It doesn’t take that long and its an hour out of your day. And as you say, it could possibly save you life. That’s not to scare anyone but it’s always better to be safe than sorryy.

      effimai responded:
      August 3, 2012 at 11:14 am

      Yes thats the message this organization is trying to get out. Hopefully more people will pay atttention :) x

    Paula said:
    August 3, 2012 at 11:10 am

    Very good article x

    AllThatGlitters said:
    August 3, 2012 at 11:27 am

    Great topic! To any of you thinking of getting a cervical screening, you can ask for a smaller speculum (especially if you’ve never used anything that could stretch you up there (toys etc) ) and you don’t need to disclose your sexual orientation if you’re not comfortable to do so :)

    Heather said:
    August 3, 2012 at 10:39 pm

    It really isn’t that bad. I’ve done it before. Here in Canada we’re told to be screened as soon as you start having intercourse. I find it a little uncomfortable… I’m a tiny little girl… but it’s just uncomfortable. Not painful.
    You’re in, out, thank ya ma’am and you’ve got a clean bill of health…. and a lolly pop if you happen to go to a good Dr!

    Maddie said:
    August 7, 2012 at 6:18 pm

    Really loved this article!!

    Trish said:
    September 4, 2012 at 11:30 am

    Hang on a minute there! You get biscuits?

      effimai responded:
      September 4, 2012 at 11:31 am

      yessss :) Party rings. It’s fucking the best thing ever.

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