Friday Sex Talk

Posted on Updated on

If your girl has a low sex drive

If you have a sex drive like a fast hot Ferrari and your girl has one like a taped-together Tricycle, it can be having-Carly-Rae-Jepson-stuck-in-your-head frustrating. But here is what to do.

Don’t take it personally. Even though I know how stupid that must sound if you’re lying in bed wearing your sexiest pink corset and they’re sitting next to you reading a book and gnawing on a carrot.  And you find that everything is turning you on from seeing a woman lean over in the library to hearing the voice on the M&S adverts.

Differences in sexual desire are very annoyingly common so it’s natural to feel all the frustration and want to march into her work and scream ‘Have sex with me!’ in the middle of her morning meeting. Try to think about your partner. She’s probably eating that carrot wondering why things aren’t easier between the two of you and wishing she felt the urge to put that carrot somewhere other than her mouth. Anything can affect sex drive from work stress to health so give her a bit of kit kat break.

Talk about it. As usual I do not take my own advice in these situations and would rather chat about penguins, ferris wheels or crisps than dare talk about something that matters. But try and broach the subject in a nice way. Using the phrase ‘What is fucking wrong with you?’ will not help in this situation trust me. Demanding Scissoring in the middle of a dinner party will help even less.

Don’t pressure her. The more you pounce on them in bed, hop into the shower with them or arrive home wearing a strapon the more they will feel annoyed and pressured and pull away. Even though you’ll probably be eating the duvet in exasperation when all you want to do is eat the carpet, back off for a while. Sometimes all someone needs is a little time by themselves so leave them to recharge their batteries. In the meantime you literally recharge yours, put them into your vibrator and go to town.

Touch without it leading to sex. At the start of the relationship there’s all that did-she-mean-to-touch-my-arm-over-the-table-just-then excitement and fizzyness. But over time it dwindles and you can find yourself at that same table licking each other’s arms and feeling nothing.  Go on a date, go for a picnic, get on a banana boat if it helps bring some excitement back. Hold hands, kiss, cuddle, snuggle, buggle and all the gooey bits inbetween that make you look like you’re on the front of a Valentine’s Day card.

Try to remember when your girl last said it was ‘the best sex ever,’ and suggest recreating it. If you can remind her of that time when she was screaming out reaching out and dare I say it squirting out then she might be more likely to want to feel like that again. Or tell her you’ll act out her all time favourite fantasy. Even if it does involve balloons, a cork screw and a Justin bieber poster, at least you’ll me getting some.

Try and do whatever you can to sort out the situation. If there are problems outside the bedroom, like if you’re pissing her off by leaving the milk out or scattering muesli about the place then sort them out first. And while you’re picking up the oats, putting away the dairy and taking the carrots off her, try to talk about your issues. Don’t do the whole bury your head in the sand thing. Or you’ll find yourself lying in that sandpit with batteries for company.

About these ads

18 thoughts on “Friday Sex Talk

    Cadence said:
    July 20, 2012 at 12:13 pm

    I literally wait for these all morning now! It rules my life. Love it xx

    Nat said:
    July 20, 2012 at 12:14 pm

    I have sooo had this problem. ugh.

    Clare said:
    July 20, 2012 at 12:14 pm

    Brilliant. Love the start. taped together tricycle!! Hahaha

    Laura said:
    July 20, 2012 at 12:16 pm

    I love this site. And these posts make it fab. Although I think shouting have sex with me in the middle of her morning meeting would be hilar!

    Zola said:
    July 20, 2012 at 12:16 pm

    Im going to find myself lying the sandpit with only batteries for company….lol :-)

    Beth said:
    July 20, 2012 at 12:19 pm

    If you home wearing a strapon. This line is funny. Good funny post but informative too :-)

    Jo said:
    July 20, 2012 at 12:19 pm

    This is actually quite sane advice! And no donnt lie in the sandpit!

    Kelly said:
    July 20, 2012 at 1:45 pm

    squirting it out!! hahahahahaha

    Megan said:
    July 20, 2012 at 1:57 pm

    “”would rather chat about penguins, ferris wheels or crisps than dare talk about something that matters”” This sums up everything about me!!

    Rosie said:
    July 20, 2012 at 2:05 pm


    Laura T said:
    July 20, 2012 at 2:17 pm

    Made ma lol as per usual Effi! Are you going to make it into a paper magazine at any point? I would buy it! Just saying!!

    Maeve said:
    July 20, 2012 at 2:31 pm

    Massages help – there’s something about the feeling of oiled-up skin that automatically makes me want sex. Make sure you have time to wash your hair after – greasy tramp hair ain’t a good look when going to work.

    Glitterwhore said:
    July 21, 2012 at 8:57 pm

    hmm some interesting ideas here! I still need to learn how to ahem.. control the speed of my ferrari so to speak (i’m worse than samantha from sex and the city) so from personal experience some of these tips actually do work a lot of the time! :) Great article as usual :)

    CarlyBeth's Blog said:
    July 22, 2012 at 2:09 am


    How do you do it?? One witty line after another. This is great! :D

      effimai responded:
      July 22, 2012 at 3:14 pm

      Thank you :) Loving the nice comments E xx

    Polly said:
    July 22, 2012 at 8:46 pm

    Ths really did make me laugh out loud Effs :)

    Chloe said:
    July 25, 2012 at 4:46 pm

    Fuck me you’re hilarious!!!

    Victoria Oldham said:
    August 13, 2013 at 4:15 pm

    You’ve got such a way with imagery. Frigging awesome.

Anything to Say...?

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in: Logo

You are commenting using your account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s