Fumbling in the Closet

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Can you date someone who hasn’t come out?

Dating people can be a dangerous pattern of doing the wrong thing and doing the right thing but in a wrong way. It can be tough juggling a partner with friends, making sure they feel special and not shouting out the wrong name in bed.  But if you’re dating, or the British equivalent sleeping with someone who hasn’t come out everything can get a bit trying-to-explain-to-a-parent-that-the-dildo-they-found-is-just-a-modern-whisk tricky.

Having my experience of this I can say that personally it was hell. Being introduced as the ‘friend’ to everyone is degrading and worse than letting someone pee on you during the throes of passion or having a masters in engineering and working at KFC. You want to be the one that their shouting about and showing off but you can’t be and have to sit back while they pretend to talk about sizes of certain things and which one out of one tree hill is the hottest.

If you’re out with them then it can be changing-your-relationship-status -to-single-and your-ex-clicking-like awkward when you run into people.  They will probably panic and start mumbling about the weather and chickens leaving you both looking like plebs. Not going to gay clubs is another pain in the lesbian arse and having a few tequilas and not being able to snog your girl is another. What’s the point in going out with a sexy girl if you can’t throw her around on the dance floor and have a good grope?

I think it was probably difficult for us because I am SO out. I run a lesbian blog, I review lesbian things and lesbian toys and generally just charge around lesbian clubs being all lesbiany. It was quite difficult for me to hide the rainbow face paint and hop back in to hiding. I would have to act straight around this girl and her friends and talk about boys even though the word ‘Penis’ makes my face scrunch up in disgust and I have to think about pretty things like unicorns and nail varnish to stop picturing one.

There are upsides though if you really want the silverish lining. You don’t have to meet the in laws and make that of-course-I’m-a-virgin impression. You don’t have to attend the family functions and make polite conversation over the peas with a distant cousin who stares at your tits the entire time. You’ll probably have no problem staying over in said family’s house as as you’re just a girl, no one will be worried if you will be having naked time together. Just if you are scratching the hell out of your girl’s back later and using the cucumber you stole from the salad bowl, try keep it down so no one suspects.

It’s a hard thing to do keeping secrets from everyone and it’s not the forbidden secret love that everyone hopes it will be but more a tireless struggle against friends and family. But you can’t help who fall for and if you do find someone while browsing the closet there’s not much you can do. You just have to hope that they do show their card to someone at some point and go for there. And for the meantime shove their skeletons out the way and enjoy the closet sex with their inner gay.

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12 thoughts on “Fumbling in the Closet

    Mary said:
    July 9, 2012 at 10:57 am

    If you’re out with them then it can be changing-your-relationship-status -to-single-and your-ex-clicking-like awkward when you run into people – - My favourite bit without a doubt! Briliant writing once again.

    Ellie said:
    July 9, 2012 at 11:01 am

    So funny! You have to think about unicorns and nail varnish to stop you thinking about one!! Omg just hilarious!!

    Susan said:
    July 9, 2012 at 12:40 pm

    I personally don;’t think it can work, I think the honeymoon phase dissapears qucikly and you’re left with a bitter pulling relationship. That’s personal experience anyway. Good Piece.

    Cat said:
    July 9, 2012 at 12:44 pm

    Me niether. It’s just too difficult especially with the family stuff. This did really make me laugh though.

    Megan said:
    July 9, 2012 at 12:45 pm

    ‘having a masters in engineering and working at KFC’ Do you know me?? Haha this had me laughing a hell of a lot!!

    Hayden said:
    July 9, 2012 at 12:49 pm

    Brilliant as per!!

    Dan said:
    July 9, 2012 at 1:12 pm

    The cucumber you stole from the salad….. Just had me in hysterics. I wpuld love to see your writing in a magazine soon. Diva should be all over this!!

    Rain said:
    July 9, 2012 at 1:16 pm

    trying-to-explain-to-a-parent-that-the-dildo-they-found-is-just-a-modern-whisk tricky – Has this happened to you??? Hahahahahaah. So funny. xxxx

    Lara said:
    July 9, 2012 at 5:52 pm

    Made me laugh as always :-)

    Jennifer said:
    July 10, 2012 at 4:55 pm

    What’s the point in going out with a sexy girl if you can’t throw her around on the dance floor and have a good grope? WORD

    Gina said:
    July 10, 2012 at 5:55 pm

    I love this blog so so much!

    Heather said:
    July 10, 2012 at 7:17 pm

    I hope it’s not all bad! I’m not completely out of the closet yet!!
    But on the upside, you’re not missing much by not meeting MY parents! lol.
    ..
    Trust me.

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