Friday Sex Talk

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 Threesomes and More.

Threesomes or bringing a few people into your bedroom with you and your partner can be a fun way to spice up things in the bedroom. But as with anything it comes with very important rules. This is about the rules for couples thinking about having one, if you’re a single thinking of having one I would say just rock up in some edible knickers and have the best night of your life. But for partners all kinds of stuff can go wrong and it’s good to take precautions. You don’t want your girlfriend flying off into the sunset on a unicorn with the girl you had a threesome with. Not to alarm you, but it could happen.

1, Have your do’s and don’ts list. Write a big list with felt tips if you need to. There needs to be certain things that you and your girlfriend are allowed to do on the list and certain things that you’re not. If you don’t mind your partner going down on the girl, biting her or indeed tying her hair up in ribbons then you need to say. If whipping the girl with your grandmother’s teddy bear is not, then put this down on the don’t list. If all you want your girlfriend to do is stand wearing a onesie with her eyes shut then chances are threesomes aren’t for you.

2, Decide on who the person will be. Will they be a friend that you know and trust and that you will have tea and toast with the next morning and chat about the neighbours with. Or will they be a stranger that you pick up in a bar, probably wearing leather and will nick your bedside lamp before they leave. All things to consider.

3, The person in question cannot be someone that has feelings for you or your girlfriend. Yes, this would be an easy way to get one as all you need to do is tap her on the shoulder and she’ll probably strip there and then. But this can cause way more complications then is necessary. And you’ll find yourself in some sort of find-the-x-maths-problem type of situation wishing you’d just stayed in and played scrabble instead.

4, Don’t mention to the person that if you weren’t doing this you’d be playing scrabble.

5, Hide the scrabble board.

6, Make sure she’s clean. And I don’t mean that she uses nice strawberry smelling shampoo I mean make sure she is clean from top and toe and all the private bits in-between. Yes you might want a few people to join your dirty party. You do not want thousands of crawling creatures joining it too.

7, Think about how good you are with your tongue and fingers. Yes it will be amazing being sexually satisfied by two people, but you will have to do it back to them too. There’s no room for tired instruments so train them well. Think of it as the Olympics of fucking. Once you’re able to tie a cherry in a knot with your tongue and able to do pushups just on your fingers you’re set for the British Gold.

8, Dig out your best underwear. There is no excuse for wearing the greying frayed bra and the Disney boxer shorts on this night. If your knickers are big enough to fit both women in hide them or burn them.

9, There is no room for jealously. Of any kind. If one unclip of a bra sends you into meltdown and you start threatening the two girls with a mop then it’s time to walk away. I think a lot of people don’t think they’ll be jealous until the moment arrives and then they can’t it. So think about it carefully whether you can imagine another girl making your girlfriend scream. Remember is a sex spree is good. A killing spree isn’t.

10, Enjoy it. It’s meant to be a fun swimming-with-dolphins-while-eating-coconut-yoghurt-after-visiting-a-chocolate-factory experience. I find that tequila helps in every situation so maybe try a shot or few to calm the nerves. Or pour it over both girls and lick it off. Whatever works.

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9 thoughts on “Friday Sex Talk

    Laura W said:
    July 6, 2012 at 2:28 pm

    If you don’t mind your partner going down on the girl, biting her or indeed tying her hair up in ribbons then you need to say. If whipping the girl with your grandmother’s teddy bear is not, then put this down on the don’t list. If all you want your girlfriend to do is stand wearing a onesie with her eyes shut then chances are threesomes aren’t for you – - – - Probably the funniest things I’ve ever read! Made me laugh so much :)

    Michelle said:
    July 6, 2012 at 2:28 pm

    I voted fyou in the blog awards! Love this, so rude and funny.

    Paula said:
    July 6, 2012 at 2:32 pm

    do you like scrabble by any chance….? Brilliant as per.

    Karen said:
    July 6, 2012 at 2:33 pm

    Yeah it’s difficult to know if you’re ready for one if you’re in a couple. Good points too, NO room for jealously at all! Good post. x x

    J said:
    July 6, 2012 at 2:36 pm

    Fabx

    Rhian said:
    July 6, 2012 at 4:42 pm

    Laughing my socks off. There are just so many funny parts in this I dno’t know where to begin.

    Natalie said:
    July 6, 2012 at 6:28 pm

    Threatening people with a mop during sex. The only blog you would ever find this on…!

    Marian said:
    July 6, 2012 at 11:29 pm

    If your knickers are big enough to fit both women in hide them or burn them. – advice for every occasion. Fantastic blog!!

    Anonymous said:
    July 15, 2012 at 3:54 pm

    “Think of it as the Olympics of fucking.”
    :) Brilliant!

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