Friday Sex Talk

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Bad sex

If you’re sitting up in bed writing a shopping list and you’ve almost forgotten that your girlfriend went down on you ten minutes before then chances are the sex life isn’t so great. But can you fix bad sex or is it a simple chemistry equation that you and her arn’t getting?

Sometimes it can be bad from the off where you really like the girl and all her other qualities are amazing and you can see yourself settling down with her and doing all the grown up stuff like buying a house and getting a cat. But if the sex is bad it can really put you off. And it’s difficult to bring it up when all you’re doing is either shagging or lying in bed just after doing it. You can hardly say ‘Oh you know what we just did; it wasn’t really that good for me.’

Rather than have a ‘talk’ about it when you’re fully sober over dinner or watching Family Fortunes, I always think it’s better to try and say what you want during. Kind of coach each other into what you like. If they’re touching you in the wrong place then move their hand so they’re prodding you in a different spot. Or say ‘You know what would be amazing, if you did this,’ and show them something. When you’ve only just got together it’s much less just-walked-into-a-lamppost-cringey than having a full blown conversation, or argument about it.

If the sex has turned watching-the-shopping-channel boring, like if you’ve been in a relationship a while and it’s just a routine then try spicing it up with something. Shake up the whole bedtime habit with toys, sexy underwear, photos, chocolate, cream, Dvds, erotica, wine, candles (to light I mean, I wouldn’t, you know) pillow fights, costumes, sweets, fantasising, karma sutra, strip tease, lube, candyfloss or marmite. You never know what might work with experimentation.

If they don’t like doing things that you love then try simple flattery and encouragement. If they won’t go down on you (but seriously, what kind of lesbian are you dating?) then try say something like ‘You know, NO one else has EVER managed to make me come like that,’ I’m telling you now she’ll see it as a challenge to get one up on your exes. Another quite sneaky way is to tell mutual friends that she’s the best in bed. Then they’ll tell her and she will try a lot harder so she can keep her title. Not that I’ve done these things. I mean I haven’t had a girlfriend go down on me for ages or only want to please me because of this at all…

If it’s just bad and you’re in a counting-the-cracks-in-your-ceiling-while-doing-it rut then you might actually have to have a talk.  Although take it from experience saying the words ‘shit,’ ‘crap’ or ‘I struggle to stay awake every time you do things to me,’ will not help. They’re probably going to be surprised, as I’m guessing you would have been faking it or you would have had the talk a lot sooner. And be prepared that she might have things to say about you. You might not be so I’m-so-awesome-I-make-a-girl-come-just-by-kissing-her great yourself.

Sadly sometimes, it’s just not meant to be. Bedroom time can be a good indication of how much chemistry you have and if you’re thinking ‘I could do better myself,’ then you need to question how important it is to you. Be mature, think about it rationally and then set out ways to make it better. Or do the total opposite, say you’ve got a headache, buy a really good rabbit and go to town once she’s asleep.

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22 thoughts on “Friday Sex Talk

    Penny said:
    May 6, 2012 at 12:38 pm

    Oh this is so damn funny! As per x

    Jill said:
    May 6, 2012 at 12:38 pm

    Hahahahaha brill! And useful !!

    Kacey said:
    May 6, 2012 at 12:39 pm

    Be mature, think about it rationally and then set out ways to make it better. Or do the total opposite, say you’ve got a headache, buy a really good rabbit and go to town once she’s asleep. > This really did make me laugh out loud!! Fab xx

    Jackie said:
    May 6, 2012 at 12:39 pm

    Oh My god I’m going to try the oral sex thing on my bf. And I might tell his friends. Good idea! J x

    Hayley J said:
    May 6, 2012 at 12:40 pm

    Oh the awkward bad-sex conversation. Never fun. This is good x

    Jackie said:
    May 6, 2012 at 12:41 pm

    We’ve already had that conversation! That’s why I’m going to try the friends thing!!

    Gemma said:
    May 6, 2012 at 12:42 pm

    I loved all the suggestions but then got to marmite… is that the weird stuff you British have?! lol at this :-)

      effimai responded:
      May 6, 2012 at 12:43 pm

      Yep thats the stuff! Ha it’s amaze, don’t knock it and all that…

    Jess said:
    May 6, 2012 at 12:43 pm

    I hate the sex rut its so shit. I think everyone is destined to have one at some point. Bad times x

    Wendy Simons said:
    May 6, 2012 at 12:51 pm

    I’ve just found this, it’s making me giggle a lot <3

    Simone said:
    May 6, 2012 at 12:55 pm

    Love when I get the message to my phone to say you’ve written a new post :-P Love it x

      effimai responded:
      May 6, 2012 at 12:55 pm

      Thank you so much :) x

    Katie said:
    May 6, 2012 at 12:57 pm

    If you’re sitting writing a shopping list! hahahahahahah

    flyingontherainbow said:
    May 6, 2012 at 5:41 pm

    Interesting blog. xx

    Cedelle said:
    May 6, 2012 at 7:20 pm

    Couldn’t stop giggling at the candle part… Some people might be uh… adventurous with what they want?

    ~C

      effimai responded:
      May 8, 2012 at 4:41 am

      Aha lol. Waxy…. ewww

    rosie said:
    May 6, 2012 at 9:07 pm

    THIS REALLY MADE ME LAUGH! so funny, where do you come up with these things?!

    May Cole said:
    May 6, 2012 at 9:11 pm

    You need to write for some sort of magazine. This is really entertaining well done.

      effimai responded:
      May 8, 2012 at 4:41 am

      Thank you so much :)

    Fancy face said:
    May 10, 2012 at 7:18 pm

    I’m scared! Are you sure this will happen to everyone?! I’ve been with one woman who I’m now engaged to and it’s been nothing but blissful happiness in the bedroom ;-)

      Z said:
      May 11, 2012 at 11:17 am

      Then that is AWESOME !

      effimai responded:
      May 11, 2012 at 11:17 am

      You will be the envy of many people! :) xx

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