You’re falling in love. It’s the most amazing feeling in the world. Fireworks are exploding. Your life fills with colour and you feel the thump of excitement in your chest. All that beautiful-puke-filled-romance that you want to pass onto the one you have fallen madly in love with. But you can’t. Because you live in straight world. And in straight world, you fall in love with straight girls. And as straight girls, they don’t fall in love back.
It starts with the realization. The thud in your heart, the twisted mix of crashing disappointment fuelled with butterflies and that I-need-a-drink-right-now feeling when you see her even look at a man. You’re annoyed at yourself, and yet in no way do you try and stop it. The wheel is already in motion rolling down the long and bitter lesbian hill.
This immediately leads into trying to organize your life so you can see her as much as humanly possible without looking like a deranged creep. Suddenly whenever she has plans, you are joining her. You’re checking her Facebook and asking other friends so that you know where she is, and then when something exciting happens to you, she’s the number on your phone you scroll to, unless you’ve already got to the crazy-obsessed stage of having her on speed dial.
You can’t even look at the person of your desire in the eye because they might, might just possibly guess how you’re feeling. And that just puts you in such an awkward place. And so you do the whole talking-to-the-forehead motions and aim to be doing something that distracts you such as watching telly, drinking, walking around or knitting, the hobby you’ve recently taken up just so you think about something else.
You make more of an effort when she’s around with your looks, conversation, the way you act and even how you eat, like if somehow this is going to make her look at you in a whole different light and she will make passionate and very skilled love to you right there and then because you haven’t got pasta sauce dribbling down your chin.
And it continues like this for weeks, months, maybe even years when your brain and your heart suddenly match and realize ‘wait a minute.. shes straight!’ and then you can move onto another innocent straight person and the whole my-life-is-just-ridiculous cycle starts all over again