There’s a lot of scary things about London. Avoiding suffocation by suits at rush hour, trying desperately to keep your balance on the escalators and the scariest thing of all; living with boys. But sometimes I have to branch out on my own to be scared and this makes me hate the city and want to go and lie on a mountain somewhere in the country. And apart from going to the dentist, going for a haircut is the most terrifying thing in the world.
Getting a haircut is that scary moment when you ask the person holding scissors behind you for a trim knowing full well that they could take their bad day out on you at any point and give you a bob.
In Wales, the salons are normally tiny little places where a woman with curlers in her bleached hair will speak at you in Welsh while chatting about who’s just got pregnant and will leave you with your hair pretty much the same as it was when you walked in. Or it will be in someone’s living room and you pay a tenner to get your hair brushed.
In London, walking into a salon is like entering the inside of a Cybermen ship. Most things are silver. Silver products, silver appliances, silver chairs, silver sinks and sometimes even the hairdressers themselves have silver hair and make-up. And you can’t even call them hairdressers because this is apparently the equivalent of calling the queen ‘A posh old bird.’ You have to call them stylists because they are stylish and they style you.
Once you have found a seat you have to choose a level in which you want your hair to be done at. You have a junior stylist, a senior stylist, a Great Aunt stylist and etcetera. What this is, is basically choosing how nice you want your hair to look. If you’re rich you go straight for the creme dele creme and leave with your hair looking like a shiny ray of unicorn prettyness. If you’re like me and you hand them twenty pounds in change and half a packet of chewing gum you get someone who hasn’t yet graduated using you as an experiment.
Just getting your locks cut isn’t an option. You have to have them watered and fed and dried and curled and straightened and sprayed with stuff. And they massage your hair like it’s had a really tiring day and really needs a good rub down. The massage itself hits all the relaxing sports and puts you to sleep so you find yourself snoring and drooling into the shampooing sink.
After gazing at yourself in the mirror for about twenty minutes the hairdresser will ask what you want. And when you tell them they will suggest something completely different. Feathering, diffusing, graduating, and a mallam streak are all options. And I also need to look after the cuticles and follicles by rubbing oil and cream on them, which to me sounds like something to do with cooking or sex.
When hairdressers have chosen their style and are chatting to you, you have to make sure you have the right answers. In fact become a completely different person. Topics like your holidays, nails, dating, going out and the weather are all light conversation topics that are satisfactory. Talking about gay rights, asking what the hell she’s doing with your hair or shouting in pain as she crimps your ear are all things you can’t do. Just keep the screaming in your head.
After a while of talking and combing I had a hairstyle that now only looks decent if I spend several days styling it at home. And I never have that much time so I’ll jump on the tube looking like a hamster is hibernating on my forehead. or I’ll just do my usual plait thing COZ it’s easy. So there you have it. I survived one scary arse trip to a salon where I managed to look completely out of place, mumble like an idiot, panicked when I thought the stylist said she was putting syrup in my hair and not serum and said I didn’t need protection because I was gay. Obviously I knew she meant heat protection. Obviously. The hamster fringe hid my shame well anyway.
I’m aware it’s Saturday. I was wretching up tequila on my shoes yesterday so lets leave it.
Lesbian Sex Problems
We are lesbians and we’re good at sex. We all know this. But sometimes there are those niggly little things that stop us from being that awesome.
You may have short hair. You may also date girls that have short hair. In which case, pat yourself on the back for making excellent decision and move down to the next point. Hair gets in the way, it gets in your eyes, it gets in your mouth, it gets dipped into things it does not need to be dipping in to. And if you both have long hair you can constantly be pushing it out the way and threatening to get your nail scissors to cut it off into something that resembles a hedgehog on ecstasy. I am convinced that this is what happened to Miley Cyrus. That when she went down on her secret girlfriend on her wrecking ball she got bored of pushing her Disney hair out of the way. I have medium hair which is the worst length to have. It falls out of its bobble, there’s too many layers for it to be pushed back and it ends up getting covered in lube and candy floss.
Time of the month
This is annoying enough but in a lesbian relationship there is two of you. This of course means two types of PMS clashing together in a vortex of never ending doom and chocolate. It also means sex can get rather messy or you end up not having it at all because you have satin white sheets and getting the walls of your uterus on them is not really an option.
I’ve talked about this before. Lesbians do not have enough protection when it comes to sexual health. Dental dams are annoying and if you haven’t got a sensitive clit, it can be a very tiring experience. When you’re lying there wondering what all the fumbling around is about meanwhile she’s exhausting herself trying to lick the same spot over and over like a kitten with a food bowl on salmon day. Also, snapping on a pair of gloves is not sexy. It’s something you do if you’re a dentist or a serial killer. Which is terrifying.
Some girls like to have long nails with painted colours, or sequins, or glitter, or jelly tots. And other girls do not want these anywhere near their vagina.
Lesbian Bed Death
It happens to many of us at some point. When your girlfriend would rather watch an episode of Grey’s Anatomy slurping on soup than even think about taking off the panda onesie to get down to it. It can often happen when two people have been together for a long time and have a house and kids and eleven pet woodlice and eat breakfast together over grownup things like croissants. It can also happen if a couple is too busy for one another and one has a big case at the lawyer court thing where they bang hammers and stuff and one is on tour as the only UK Taylor Swift tribute act. If this happens I think talking to someone really helps. Or talk to the walls because they can’t talk or something.
How to wear Heels. In a club.
Wearing heels on a night out is a practised art form. You have to practise otherwise you look silly, you hit your head on things and people will ask you if there’s something wrong at 7 in the evening with the sympathetic head tilt like you belong in some sort of home.
Falling down is something you have to think about. And not just when you’re in a club, you have to think about that shit all the time. Last week I tripped over an extension lead and landed with my knee in the bookcase. In clubs though you normally have a drink in your hand, and falling over means spilling alcohol and as everyone knows, this can get you thrown in jail.
With heels you have three ways that you could fall down. First is the slippage. There is usually all sorts of liquids on the floor as I think British people are aiming to create swimming pools in their social areas. Slip in heels and you’ll look you have the agility of an overweight moose. Floors are often sticky too and this could mean that you fall out of your shoes and straight onto the floor. This can be very dangerous when you touch the floor with your body, you can get pregnant. The other way is seeing your ex who trips you up because you cheated on her with your dentist but that’s neither here nor there.
You have to get used to being taller than everyone else. Like you’re on stilts or standing on toasters or you can look a bit like a giraffe in sequin shorts. This of course is only if you’re like me and you think you can get away with dressing like you’re in a roller disco. This does give you power however because you can get served at the bar first, or that other hot tall person in the world will catch your eye and ask you to go home and engage in sexual activity involving pancake batter.
In the lesbian club nights, wearing heels will make people think you’re straight. If you’re wearing your converse you’re as invisible as your phone charger in the dark or Will Smith’s first son. As soon as you wear heels you’re normally very different. It would be nice to get the labels taken away at some point in the future. I don’t like labels on anything, not even food. ‘Serve this pizza with a fresh salad and share with friends.’ ‘Don’t tell me what to do, I’m putting candyfloss on it and eating it in my pillow fort.’ These are just some very lesbian nights. In East London you can show up how you like. Wear a cardboard box filled with poultry and the only reason someone will complain is if one of the ducks drinks their tequila.
Of course break your shoes in before you go out. This can take a while. And by a while I mean a year and a half. If you don’t have this much planning time, run up and down the stairs in them. If you haven’t broken your leg or knocked the glitter off your stiletto you’re good to go. If you don’t break them in you’ll be that really irritating person crying your eyes out like a toddler who’s just had his jelly tots taken away. Only sadder. You can always drown out the pain. It takes approximately thirteen tequilas. Always be responsible in your heels. Always be drunk.
I’ve wrote about going down on a girl before which is here, but this one is more geared towards the more experienced of you all. The ones who know their clit but not yet know where to sit. These are some tips for getting in the right position to make it that much more interesting easier and have your girl making noises like a vomiting giraffe.
I’ve said this before because most people say they always go down on their girl on the bed. This is very difficult as you can’t really reach everything. It’s like that one kitchen cupboard you’ve probably got that you can’t quite reach to the back off. Unlike your cupboard that probably just has old herbs spices and cans of tuna at the back, reaching right in to the vagina with your tongue is going to get closer to the G Spot and this makes your girls body very happy.
The best positions I’ve always found are when your girl is sitting on something like a bed, a sofa, or a hamster cage and you’re kneeling on the floor. There’s much more access and you probably won’t get pins and needles either which often puts you in a compromising position. Do you carry on caressing your woman with your tongue or do you caress your feet to stop the excruciating feeling that makes you want to punch a radiator. Also in this position, a tumble dryer or rocking chair can add to the experience. So can a sitting on a unicorn.
Other positions that work quite well is having your girl sit up high on something. A kitchen counter or shelf can work well. Make sure the shelf is sturdy of course; no one needs to be rushed to A&E to explain why they were trapped naked under a book shelf covered in early additions of Jane Austen. When your woman is up high, you can stand up while you do it. You might be able to do a few squats while you’re at it too. Fitness and all that.
Of course if you like doing things at the same time you might want to do the sixty nine as this is perfect for both of you getting pleasure at the same time. Take turns being on top because it’s a completely different sensation. If you’re one of those couples who fight for control learn like a toddler to take turns, or fight her for it. Wrestling is fun. And is great practise for when you buy your pet baby unicorn in the future as you have to fight them as they hate having their mane’s brushed.
The sitting of one’s vagina on one’s face is the best position if one’s girlfriend knows exactly what she likes. You’re basically just a tongue in this position as she will decide on the pressure and the rhythm. So get yourself comfy with lots of pillows and fleece blanket and shove on your panda onesie. You can lie back and relax and wonder about those niggling life questions like why can’t we remember the colours of the word google when we see it every day and how do mermaids actually make love with their tails?
Obviously these are just a few to get started. I haven’t even begun on the ones from behind yet but we haven’t got all day, it’s Friday and there’s tequila waiting to be drank. Positions when licking someone out are like cooking. You add a bunch of ingredients like tongue, lube, and degree of position and hope it all works out. And FYI my actual cooking is getting a lot better. Either that or my flatmate’s immune system has improved dramatically.
Five reasons I haven’t blogged in a month.
Fuck. Yes. I realized today that I haven’t blogged in exactly a month. Things have been a little tad teeny weeny bit hectic here in London town. I’m actually also wearing a ‘sweatshirt’ today so maybe things have actually just failed. So here comes the science kids.
1. My Laptop got hacked.
Yes, I felt like I was on an episode of Hussle but with more viruses and screaming. It got one virus, then got approximately several billion viruses more and then slowly trickled into a vortex of doom and completely stopped working. Just ran out of to fucks to give. No, I will not do my job, and yes I will leave you there sobbing in your unicorn pyjamas.
Work, the work that I do outside my blog and sometimes pays my bills. As Missfit we have started a lot of new clubnights. Every Saturday we have an East London night and soon we’re opening a brand new girls venue so it’s all exciting. And it’s also all very drunk. My liver is soon going to put out a white flag or start drawing little ransom notes with my blood and pieces of intestine.
This month has flown by with emailing things and having tequila and interviewing really hot DJs. And then promotion for all these nights where I have to go out again and drink tequila with everyone and hand out flyers and chat up girls. There’s some really hard nights. And hard mornings. So I wink seductively here or just move on?
4. Lesbian Drama
Just. Oh my God. If lesbian drama was a person, that person would be Miley Cyrus crossed with Justin Bieber coming in on a ball wrecking lives and getting a DUI for being on it drunk. And always, being inappropriate with girls’ feelings. And lots of fit hair. And possible licking of DIY items.
Since Candy closing, the lesbians of London seem to have crawled out of the woodwork and are now out and proud to voice their opinions and sip on their cocktails in all the new venues that are happening all around. Its like the unicorns heard our prayers and made six or seven new places pop up all at once.
Putting on the Prom this year has encompassed all four of these points. More so the drinking. I never thought it would take up this much time in my life. Who is that high in the sky? Is it a bird? Is it a plane? No! It’s Stress-girl with her side kick Pinot Grigio.
5. House of Cards
I know. I’m normally so much a book person. I’m normally so much a person who loves British drama. I’m normally a person who likes comedy. I’m normally a person who does not follow American Politics in any way shape or flag. But this series has gripped me from the arse up. Everytime I sit down to write my flatmate puts it on and it’s bam, glued to the screen and the hot wife on it. If this continues I’ll I’m going to have a big gap in my CV for this entire year. “So how did you apply yourself this year?” “Well I successful navigated chocolate covered popcorn into my mouth while keeping my eyes directly on Claire Underwood’s tits. That is concentration right there.”
So in my actual non blogging life I work as a promoter for my own company I have with my flatmate called MissFit. Our new night launched in East London this week and this is pretty much what happened from the off.
7:40pm – Arrive at Venue to find all our promoters are there before us. We forget that our staff often listen to us and are actually professional humans whereas we stroll in on a hangover and demand chicken.
8:00 – Finally realize that’s it not actually the vodka making us shiver but that the basement where our club is, is actually freezing.
8:10 – Sit huddled by the radiator like some sort of underwhelmed seventy year old. Should have taken up knitting to complete the lonely look.Have unmatching socks and rather unflattering cardigan on though so would probably win a medal in the granny fayre if needed.
8:15 – Start to put some of our posters up on the wall. Almost break thumb. Decide that blue takking paper on a rough surface is more DIY than I can handle.
8:20 – Poster falls down.
8:30 – Try to figure out lighting system so it doesn’t look like a dungeon in the middle ages when people walk in.
8:38 – Decide that Middle aged dungeons are now the new cool.
8:48 – Girls start arriving and ordering cocktails. Sandra gracefully puts on a pre mixed playlist until she starts playing oozing the coolness of a DJ while I attempt to remove something sticky from my hair.
9:10 – Show our gorgeous door girl Fam that she will in fact have to sit on the edge of the stairs to greet people. And give her cellotape and paper to run the cloakroom with like she’s on an episode of Blue Peter.
9:25 – Our promoters Chloe, Sam, Laura and Evelina make me sip their cocktails to calm down slightly. Three seconds previously I was pacing the room demanding to know where all the lesbians in the world were.
9:42 – Realize that when Sandra is on the decks, I am effectively in charge. Also realize that my CV should not have ‘good at multitasking’ on it. And that I should also add ‘when I feel like it’ and ‘when I’m drunk’ on quite a few of the other points.
10:00 – Worry that it won’t get full and start imagining life without promotion work every again. It mainly still consists of unicorns.
10:12 – Sam starts to swing dance and gets a lot of other girls joining in making the room look busy and glamorous. Attempt to swing dance and look like a hamster trying to mate.
10:30 – Poster falls down.
10:38 – introduce self to girl who mistakingly hears my name as Katy. Being awkwardly British, do not correct her and answer to it throughout the night despite my actual name being on the flyer and poster.
10:45 – Sell more tickets to the Lesbian Prom and scream in someone’s face how excited I am about it.
11:00 – See that technically, now that millions of lesbians have arrived, I should probably have a tequila or three as a reward.
11:10 – Go upstairs to use Fam’s phone to facebook as mine stopped working just when I needed it the most. The trust is now gone.
11:16 – Throws phone against wall.
11:17 – Dented poster falls down
11:30 – Dance slightly until interruptions that there is no toilet roll. When in the loo see two men walk out without washing their hands and immediately want to throw up my internal organs. Next time might get a sign that says ‘Wash your hands or ag least wipe them on someone you don’t like.’
11:55 – Got caught in conversation about thigh gaps and how important they were. Refrained from saying ‘Surely the only thigh gap you need is when a girl’s head is between your legs,’
11:59 – Realize I did in fact say that sentence.
12:04 – Have a tequila
12:08 – Poster falls down
12:13 – Have a tequila
12:24 – See that you actually can’t move for women and feel very happy.
12:36 – Realize that wearing red underwear under a white dress was not the best move on my part. Decide to make like Ru Paul and work it. Strut through dance floor.
12:40 – Even more girls arrive and people are jumping up and down to amazing Music from Lucy Stone.
12:45 – Someone complimented the underwear so I turned around and said ‘yeah might make this a thing, you know show off your underwear under your clothes, I mean I have so much nice underwear, It must get so sad always being hidden.’
12:46 – Realize she was actually complimenting my hair. Thank her and point out the sticky thing in it while she backs away.
1:00 – Loads more friends arrive from other bar so more tequila is bought than necessary.
1:04 – More tequila drunk get.
1:34 – Feels a little sick. Wonders how long it would take a giraffe to throw up.
1:45 – Madly dances to Taylor Swift slightly believing I am in fact her.
1:47 – Poster falls down. No fucks were given.
1:52 – Sandy brings out marshmallows the size of a small piano.
1:54 – Sandra asks who brought the chewy clouds into the club.
2:00 – Everyone is rounded up and ushered out to continue their drinking elsewhere well we try to figure out if we’ve made any money or if we’ve drank it.
2:03 – Collect all posters. One of them refuses to come off the wall.
2:15 – Arrive back in flat and collapse over marmite on toast.
So yes. Those of you who missed out, I will see you next Saturday. And those of you who came, and danced and partied and had an awesome time, I’ll also see you next week.
The one and only, ha, what, this is mine anyway, you should read it.
Strap on guide
When thinking of getting a sex toy for the first time, the strap on is often the first thing you’ll think of buying. It’s because it’s something extra to add to your bedroom activities.
Getting one when you’re not sure what you’re meant to be buying can be a world of confusion. There’s so many types and different parts to the straps and the ons and it’s good to know what end is which and what end goes in which end.
No IKEA building necessary. This one is self built, and you pop it out the box and you’re ready to go. I would never recommend this for your first one. Or ever. It’s worth putting the time in building the flatpack. The problem you have with all-in-one is dimensions. The strap will probably slip off quicker than a squirrel in a nut rocket and the on part will probably be too big for you. A house, a bar of chocolate or a cat can never be too big. A dildo, can.
Start with small. Yes you might get very excited in the shop and pick up something that looks like it would able you to beat a kangaroo to death. But great things come in little packages and all that. You want to get used to using this new thing with your girl, and not try and sit on a cylinder of pain and spend the rest of the night eating tofu and blaming each other about who’s idea it was to buy the giganc 6000 plus X.
For your first strap-on you want something comfortable and something you can adjust. If you’re different sizes aswell this can help so you can both play in the hay. Lots of ties and pully things can have you strapped on and gliding in in no time. Anything that doesn’t fall down is always a winner. Being stabbed in the stomach can cause severe pain. And worse, you’ll probably stop playing around.
With a single/thigh strap, this just goes around the thigh which can help with the manoeuvring. It can be a bit confusing when suddenly you’re waddling around with a penis and you’re not sure what to do with it. With it on your leg, it’s sometimes a lot easier to do the whole scissoring thing but with an added extra oomph. Like when you get your favourite sandwich and they’ve put an extra layer of mayonnaise on. Makes it just that bit more exciting.
This one has 2 back straps dividing between your legs and then curve around your bum. It’s one of the most comfortable ones to wear and is easy to use as you can use your whole body for the thrusting action. Depending on the strap you get, these can often be used to pleasure the giver as well. So it’s handy for all like a thesaurus or a paper clip. This is probably the best one to get for your first time as it has lots of room for error and yet you can still have an orgasmicly glorious time.
Leather is always a winner as it’s comfortable and easy to fasten. If you’re not happy with dead cow being clasped to you though then the next option would be PVC as it doesn’t sit as well but it’s easy to clean. Always think about the cleaning. Don’t go for something fancy like a strap made from denim, sweets or spaghetti for your first one. Maybe later. It will end in tears with you hungoverly putting it on thinking it’s your jeans or eating it for breakfast.
There’s lots you can get, lots you can find in different sort of shops. I would go in and try things on. You don’t have to strip or anything, and get the breeze up your vagina, you just pop it over your jeans. You really need to feel comfortable with it too so when you get home stick it on and walk around the house with it. Strut, swaddle and swagger around and get used to having your strap and strapon.
Long live the king!
You know I love my nights out. As I’m quite the night time person, and even more so, a ‘morning can go fuck it’s self’ person.
Now this is a night to go to kids. If you like to perform in drag or watch it this is the night for you obviously. Snap crackle pop you’re there. But if you like amazing performances, funny hosts, random comedy, sexy costumes, dancing and drinking, then get your asses to this night. With its last one happening in Candy Bar tomorrow night, it will be spreading it’s king wings in 2014 and taking over the world.
The night is hosted by superstar drag king Adam All and his side kick Apple Derrieres who want the drag King world to get as much attention as those who drag as queens. The Open mic night Boi Box is the first of its kind and is a live showcase of established Kings and first time Princes. And I’m always there loving life and wondering how to pull off a ginger moustache. While drinking. It’s kind of amazing I’m still alive given that I have this much unlimited access to alcohol and lesbians.
Boi Box will also have their own room at the Lesbian Prom and we’re very excited to have such a different mix of people involved already. What I wanted to do was to shine some light on a night that I enjoy and look forward to every time, show you what it means to be a drag king, and make you fall in love with the epic gloriously funny and talented Adam All. So here is our majestic interview talking about the world of drag, misconceptions, what Adam does, and Apple’s boobs.
What does it mean to be a Drag King?
In general drag means impersonating/performing a gender stereotype and that’s normally of the opposite sex to your own, though not always, and breaking those gender boundaries plays a big part in both the performance and humour of drag. Essentially drag is about comedy and cabaret, displaying a character through music, costume, performance, audience interaction and laughs. Its an all round entertainment package. Being a King, well that’s perhaps a little more complex these days; there really aren’t that many of us and far fewer actually working on the cabaret circuit, I often find my audiences don’t really know what to make of me at the start of my set, a lot of the time I find people can’t tell I’m really a woman, of those that can some assume I am trans or transitioning though I am not, I would never presume to represent or express that. I try to do my part to spread knowledge of kings with every show I do and particularly with the night that I run monthly at the Candy Bar in Soho, BOi BOX. And so I find myself a diplomat for all those who impersonate men, in their many varied forms. At the same time it is a great opportunity to strut about exaggerating my own inbuilt masculinity, singing great songs and winning a laugh or two, it’s truly liberating, but saying that, I wear far more makeup as Adam than I do in my everyday life, so it’s clearly a performance for me rather than a fully functioning alter ego.
How long have you been doing it?
I’ve been specifically dressing in drag since I was 17, at first it was about exploring my gender identity and I did spend about a year turning inward to explore my personal gender, a very confusing time but ultimately really empowering. I remembered the other day that my parents would take me to see father Christmas when I was very young, about 4 or 5, and I never wanted those silly pink parcels with a doll or a fake plastic hairdryer in, I wanted the train set or the walkie-talkies or the electric car… so my parents would let me pretend to be a boy. Essentially my first drag name was Thomas. I loved those walkie-talkies until I was 12. I began performing as a real Drag King in 2008, I played some local venues, got to the finals of Drag Idol in 2009 and then held nights at The 3 Graces in Hove, The Marlborough in Brighton and now Candy Bar in Soho. It’s been a long road and there is still a long way to go.
Do you think people have misconceptions?
I believe some people assume that I am all about sex and that I am there to be provocative and take my clothes off or flirt with everyone whilst they blatantly manhandle me. I don’t feel that expresses my masculine character so I don’t do it…unless it’s funny. In fact Adam is quite specifically designed to portray a male with both masculine and feminine qualities some of which he shares openly and some which he tries to hide. I once stripped from an army shirt to a pink tutu live on stage, it was not my ‘package’ that got the laugh, more the state of my grey y-fronts and my strong arabesque! I believe there are more misconceptions in the drag world itself. I have found it very difficult to sell the concept to venues that usually show Drag Queens and that many venue owners don’t value Kings as performers at all let alone as equals to the Queens despite my credits at competitions, main stream venues and events. It frustrates me that there is so little main-stream understanding of the genre despite its obvious popularity. I include the character ‘Apple’, Adam’s uber girly girlfriend, in as many performances as I can persuade her to do, as I feel people understand her character much more easily and therefore understand Adam, by contrast and association, with more clarity. And the view of Kings is fast changing, shows in the USA and Australia are very popular, and Kings are literally pouring out of the woodwork there so we won’t be far behind, not if things continue as they have been over the past year, it’s really exciting and I’m so proud to be a party of it.
What can people expect from your night BOi BOX?
BOi BOX is a really fast paced and fun atmosphere, specifically catering for drag kings and MI (male impersonators) though it is basically a cabaret showcase night. I host alongside my real life and drag world girlfriend Apple Derrières who also co manages the night, and each month we feature a guest host. I love the huge variety of people that come to both watch and participate in the performances and I’m immensely proud to say we have had some fine new acts emerging from our night; mime artists, singers, dancers and more. So basically you can show up, having never heard of a drag king, get involved with our moustaches, bowties and dress-up box, perform using the karaoke or your own music and walk out with our top prize, the pint glass of glory and a promoted opening slot at the following months event. Of course we encourage as many people as possible to join in the fun every month but its not at all necessary. Many people come just to watch and to dance to our mashed up mix of music of all genres, there’s something for everyone and everything goes except slow songs, no slow tunes please, dj, we’re here to dance, strut and celebrate our swagger!
It’s been a long road building BOi BOX to what it is today. Its first incarnation Bois Night Out was a good step in the right direction but it never really took off with the same momentum that is showing now at BOi BOX. It’s always been a 2 man job. After a shed load of encouraging, cajoling, bargaining and brain washing with endless episodes of Ru Pauls Drag Race, I finally got my partner to help me run the thing. She’s brought a different perspective as well as daring creativity and a ton of performance knowledge to the table. I couldn’t be more grateful. Plus, with her boobs, I couldn’t ask for anyone better to bring the punters to the party.
How did Adam all come about?
I was really lucky. I loved dressing up as a guy, the suits, the shoes, the sideburns. It was always a little dangerous and sexy, and I loved Karaoke to the point that I went to at least 3 different venues every week. And that’s how I met Lucinda Lashes, hosting and performing, she basically handed me a 3 cd collection of backing tracks, a list of about 4 do’s and don’ts and then 6 weeks later bundled me onto the stage at the London Hotel in Southampton for a showcase performance lasting half an hour. Knowing what I know now about the cabaret scene and how often you are asked to perform for 30 minutes, I know that Lucinda did me an enormous favour. It was the start of something really amazing for me. It was the release I needed for my masculinity, the stage for my creativity and the start of a fantastic journey of self discovery. I’ll always be grateful to my drag Mum, I still love her show and catch it whenever I can. That’s now what we hope to do for the new bois on the block. I hope that I can help to expand the Drag King scene so that Kings perform at more and more mainstream cabaret venues to wider audiences inspire more and more acts and in time, really change the face of drag performance art as a whole.
New Sex Classes for Lesbians. Hosted by me. Jesus.
Thinking I might be a teacher when I was younger, I didn’t think it would be this sort of teaching to be perfectly honest with you. But I could be teaching how to find the value of X in a primary colour palet after counting the verbs in the Battle of Hastings, but instead I get to talk about vaginas. I think I win there.
What to do when a plant turns you on so much you have to have sex next to it.
So yes, I will be teaching some lesbian classes in Sh! Women from next week onwards.
First up we have Lesbian Sex Talk 101 which in no particular order I will be talking about
Foreplay. Foreplay is obviously very important to girls otherwise it’s kind of like going down a waterslide without any water on it. And there are lots of tips and tricks when it comes to foreplay stuff, especially when you’re talking about figuring out the clasps of bras and how to throw knickers off with panache and not getting them stuck on the light fitting.
Going down. Always scary if it’s your first time. Or your 459th. Because it is like a Chamber of secrets that you have to figure out. And then you slytherin your tongue. I may continue with the Harry Potter puns. Sirusly.
Female Body Stuff. Things that make you go ooh. All those bits that will make a girl want you just that little bit more.
Toys. Some toys are so good it can make a woman look like a demon is being exorcised from her body. But some don’t really work and some girls don’t really like them. But if you prefer them to other things then we will talk about, as Barbie girl puts it, life with plastic is fantastic.
Cake. There will be cake and I will probably talk about it as I love cake.
Questions. I will answer any questions you might have or we will have chats over said cake about different topics.
Many other things. There is a lot more to talk about plus champagne which makes me want to talk about sex even more than I do already. And even the embarrassing bits. You haven’t experienced true horror until you’ve trapped your head in your turtle neck. I may even bring a blackboard and do diagrams and graphs. It’s all very serious stuff.
I will also be doing classes on blowing her mind which is all about the staple of every lesbian diet, Oral sex.
Now with the boys class, there are obviously obvious shaped things that you can use to practise on so I will be racking my brains for the vagina alternative. Peaches seem to be viable but I’m open to suggestions. Maybe Fried Green Tomatoes. I’ll have less wine and think about the whole affair.
These classes are Designed for all women who like women, and they will address (amongst many other things) what’s actually going on down there, finding and pleasuring the clit or G-spot, the fine art of teasing, and plenty of help for the first timers! This really will be a humorous and non-judgemental environment, so come along and have some giggles, advice and cake.
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As it is the season of festivities and drinking bars dry of tequila and I have no idea what day it is, a proper video was not going happen.So here is this, extras and me trying to open a bottle of wine. I should not be allowed to live by myself. I say this daily.
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I LOVE resolutions
HAPPY NEW YEAR
Happy New Year one and all. I hope all your wishes and kisses come true. And you get very drunk in good New Year’s Eve fashion.
I’m going to take this oppotuinity to say thank you to everyone who has read my blog, commented, liked things, emailed me pictures of cats, unicorns and boobs and Im looking forward to carrying it all on in 2014. So yes, HAPPY NEW YEAR Princess Faces.
E :) x
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How to get a new years kiss
Ok so not really a review this Monday but call it a pre review of your New years that will now include a kiss. Does that work? Probably not it’s been a long day. A new years kiss can be very important to girls and unicorns alike because if you are in one of those places where everyone is kissing around you, you don’t want to be the only one not doing it. And you don’t want to be the girl hiding in the loo sipping on her gin and tonic by herself either. If you don’t give a shit about a kiss, good for you, high five and four candy canes for you Glen Coco. And none for Gretchen Wieners bye.
How to have sex hungover.
And yes this is a thing.
New year is usually the worst hangover of the year for me. Because bars cleverly open two hours later than usual and then you think it’s a good idea to also carry on the festivities at home. Why the fuck not, it’s Christmas. And because it’s the New year, you also want to get some sex in as soon as possible. Everyone knows if you don’t have sex in the first week of January you’re technically a virgin again. True story. So wipe the sleep and sequins from your eyes, remove the champagne cork from your knotted puked covered hair and get ready.
The best thing about hungover sex is that it will make you feel better instantly. The worse thing about it is you may slightly a little tiny bit puke on their face. Give and take really. If you are feeling delicate I would avoid going down on the girl. You do not need hungover maths coming into play here. Dodgy stomach minus sober sense plus a vagina multiply by attempted orgasms equals a 2014 present you don’t really want. Choose your positions wisely. Go for sitting on top or lying side by side. Nothing that makes you move too much. Anything too vigorous will make you feel like you’re sea sick.
Of course you may need to freshen up a little. If you decided Sambuca bombs were a good idea then you may have your partner running screaming from the room with your liquorice breath. Your hair also may have an array of glitter, candyfloss, champagne, balloons, party popper paper stuff and tree branches depending on the length of your hair and the height from which you fell into the Christmas tree, so you will need to brush it.
If you are still fully dressed you will need to remove your clothes as soon as possible. Also sequin dresses from the night before are scratchy and shirts with buttons are tricky. Remove these and put on a sensible and sexually pleasing panda onesie. You could always have sex in the shower or bath as then you are using the stones to kill the birds thing. So you can orgasm while you use your coconut body scrub to replace the smell of Malibu and your strawberry shampoo to replace the smell of regret. It’s impossible to feel sad when you can smell strawberries.
If you took someone home the night before you might want to check that you still want to have sex with them. They may have looked cheekily hot last night when they kissed you under the mistletoe or swung you into their arms as the clock counted down, but, in the sober light of day, they might have a face that looks like it’s constantly about to sneeze. Evaluate the situation and the ugly to sexual needs graph and decide what to do.
For some reason we seem to be horny on a hangover even though we feel like we’ve been repeatedly run over by a truck. While Justin Bieber sings in the background. Be wise, get some water so your partner doesn’t feel like they’re kissing a cactus and know your limits. If you’ve got the point where you’re passed out in the cat litter tray, you may need to reevaluate your sexual needs.
Revisiting Getting Hot on the Holidays
It’s that time again, when you have to go back to your family and try and keep your sanity over turkey and the Christmas special of Doctor Who. When you’re home for the holidays and you’re back in your childhood room and all your family is around you and there’s chestnuts in the fire and all that jam, it’s lovely. But getting frisky with your girl with all this around can be trickier than finding a decent priced unicorn on ebay.
First off, you might be in separate rooms. Your partner may be in the guest room in the big guest bed because she’s a guest and you might be in a sleeping bag on your brother’s floor using a towel as a pillow. So of course you will be very tempted to sneak over to where she is but that can cause all sorts of problems. Relatives, especially cousins like to check up one what’s going on and may just open the door to ‘check’ on you both. This can happen whether you’re a young fresh uni student of twenty or whether you’re nearing forty and have a grown up joint bank account.
Doing the naughty deed in a house full of people can be a tiring event. You have all the good intentions of being quiet but then you get into it all and she puts that thing in that spot and suddenly you’re screaming out like a whale being beaten. Tricky. I would suggest biting down on a pillow, on her shoulder or other body part and/or on the cat to muffle the screams. Also doing it under the duvet helps a bit and it’s cool because it’s like your own little sex world under there.
Sometimes though you’re not the problem and it’s the bed that’s squeaking away with pleasure. This can make you scared to move like you’re in a bad horror movie waiting for a teenager to climb out the television. The floor, against the wall or in the wardrobe can be great alternatives. Or both pretend you have a big bout of food poisoning from the Quality Street toffees and stay in the bathroom together for a bit. The fun you can have with conditioner and loo roll is endless.
Of course you can always try waiting until everyone is out the house but it’s normally not the done thing at Christmas with everyone not getting out their pyjamas until four pm and that’s only to nip out and buy Elf on DVD. You could always suggest things for the whole family to participate in like ice skating, erotic pottery or a nice swim in the Thames. This is even better if you don’t live near London as then there’s travel time included.
Doing the whole silent sex thing can be kind of hot and spicy. Like a naughty sexed up curry. It can really turn you on when you’re barely moving and muffling each other’s noises with kisses or hummus. And if you do it somewhere risky during the day like on a table or in the garage you’ve got to be prepared to be quick and get in and out and back in again as fast as you can.
Don’t be too obvious with things. Putting music or a film on loudly is as obvious as putting a tie on the door. Leaving out the lube and a sex toy out and then later trying to explain that it’s actually a weird shaped perfume bottle will never go down well. Unlike what you might have seen in the long-nailed-big-titted-blonde porn films, it is possible to have sex quietly in the holidays as long as you’re careful and don’t mind possibly getting caught in a compromising position with a turkey.